One Year Later...Still Celebrating Life!!!

I recently heard someone somewhere say, “Dreams change all the time.  The only thing to do is change the future.” That seems like a beautiful thought to remember in this crazy life we live...changing the future one dream at a time!  Love it :) 

One year ago today, I went into work and told my manager that it was time for me to leave the job that had made me so unhappy for so long; and, that it was time for me to step out into the world, find Marci again and make my dreams come true on my own.  I told her that I would be spending the summer traveling the States and spending time with my family and that I would be moving to Berlin in August.  She knew how much I had wanted to work with the company internationally and she knew how my time at the company had been quite the roller coaster.  She also knew how much I wanted to live in Europe again and use my languages and travel.  So she was happy for me, everyone was really happy for me; but no one could have been as happy for me as I was.  I was already starting to feel free and liberated in the days and weeks leading up to that Friday…but on that day, on May 11^th, when I gave my notice, I felt truly FREE.  It was a great feeling that I carried with me throughout the next days, weeks and months!

One year ago right now, I was walking the streets of DC with my head a little higher, a little more light in my eyes, a swing in my hips, a big smile on my face and I yelled as I walked down 14^th street, shouting happily: “It’s MAY 11^th!!  Celebrate life everyone!!”  It sounds a bit wild and I’m sure Michel thought I was a bit crazier for it (at least as I celebrated quitting my job, she was celebrating being offered a job that same day)…but it was just a time of celebration and it was a wonderful night!

So as I sit here and think of that time in my life last year, it really seems unbelievable and beautiful to me that a year later to that very same week, I would be starting my own new job…especially considering that it’s a job I have dreamt of doing for as long as I can remember.  Truly! When I look back as far as I can in my memory (and I don’t have a great memory, so I’m about five or six)…I always remember LOVING the grocery store, LOVING grocery shopping, LOVING bagging and just DREAMING of being a “cash register girl” one day.  Seriously.  So, a few weeks ago, when I decided that it’s about time for me to get back to work, I applied for a cashier job at a gorgeous grocery store out here in Colorado (I'll fill you in on the Colorado part in another post!).  To my delight, they called me within a day to set up an interview and I started this past Tuesday!  I can’t even tell you how awesome it felt during the interview and again on the phone when I accepted the job offer and then again to many customers and colleagues in the last days and to anyone who asks about my current job status…every time I get to say that I’m making a life-long dream come true, I just get the BIGGEST smile on my face...and, also in my heart!  It’s a dream come true, how could I not be thrilled??

Perks of the new job = expired sunflowers coming home with me for free!

And it makes life just seem even more amazing because it allows me to see how we can make awesome things happen, no matter how big or small.  Anything and everything is possible, especially when it’s something that we think about for months or years or decades….we can do it, we can do anything!  Well, at least, we can do soooo very much.  It amazes me and humbles me and makes me so much more grateful for life and everything that I’ve lived in mine.  Even the bad things, because there are bad things in everyone’s life, I don’t know how someone could get through life without something bad happening to them.  So, even those bad things that sometimes haunt me and sadden my spirit, even they have helped bring me to where I am today.  They have been a part of the story and they are things that I’ve overcome.  They have been a part of growing and learning and loving and losing and hurting and living.  They are a piece of the intricate puzzle that becomes each of our lives.  In moments like this one, when I find myself living in a wonderful, nature-filled place I had never thought about living in until December 2012, I just take it all in.  Having followed my heart and led myself (sometimes a bit blindly!) along my journey, I find comfort and peace in where I have been and where I am.  And I am so easily able to sit quietly and look out at the beautiful world around me and hear the chirping birds coming out from the rainy day, see the big blue Colorado skies above the Rocky Mountain backdrop, feel the sun shining down, rays through the trees, just so many birds singing and talking and calling away.  When I can sit here and see and hear and feel the world around me and remember as I look back on my life this last year and really absorb and see and feel all that has happened…I can be nothing but happy and grateful to have had such an amazing opportunity to live my life and get to know myself again.  To FIND myself.  I escaped that dark time during my last job and was able to come out the other side of it to go on an adventurous year-long journey which led me to finding the sun on my cheeks, fresh air filling my lungs and the sounds of spring in my heart. 

One year ago today, I walked into work and let them know that I had to leave the job that was stomping out my spirit and go in pursuit of my dreams on my own.  I took life by the reigns and I took off on one of the greatest adventures I’ve had so far. All of the traveling and living and appreciating of time with myself and with my very dear loved ones…family and friends spread around many different places; making a dream of at least a few years come true and living in Berlin; going through many happy moments and some really hard and sad ones too.  It’s been quite an amazing chapter that I am so very grateful to have had.  And what a difference one year can make in life! A year ago I was leaving a dark time in my life to follow my heart, find light and love and peace in my heart…find myself; and fulfill dreams.  Today, I can proudly and happily say that I have done and continue to do all of those things! 

I couldn’t have been happier this week to go into Sprouts and start work.  Although I was a bit worried on Monday before I knew what type of registers they have…I was just really hoping that it wouldn’t be touch screen buttons, that would have made the entire thing a bit of an anti-climax.  But have no fear…the buttons are just perfect!!  I trained for about two hours on Tuesday before I started to ring up customers and push the very buttons that got me into this life-long dream in the first place!  It was ALWAYS about the cash register and the buttons…I had always dreamt of pushing those fantastic buttons!  (Seriously!) Throughout my shifts, I just keep saying “it’s a dream come true” to colleagues and customers alike.  I love it.  It makes my heart happy.  It makes me realize how many different, random, wonderful opportunities are out there that we can reach for throughout life.  We just have to allow ourselves to dream the dreams and see the opportunities. We can really “reach for the stars” as they say: I don’t know about you, but I really do sometimes feel like I’m on my tippy toes just reaching as high as I can.  Life is just a big ol’ pile of risks and question marks and unknown answers.  And sometimes it’s just about being willing to jump off the ledge and do a lil “Free Fallin’” for a bit…til you find your perfect wind.  Kind of like a bird does as it soars through the sky………or even, perhaps, just like a butterfly!

Day dreams and smiles

Last Friday afternoon as I stared out the window and listened to some music during my bus trip from Boulder to Denver (yep, I'm in Colorado now!), I found myself day dreaming and then writing:

Dreams stay with us forever...even after we've made a dream come true.  All the things we dreamt would happen before actually getting to that point...well, some of them do happen and some of them don't; and there are ups and downs, even when living a dream!  It's inevitable that life happens and we just roll with it and experience it and live it in those moments, whatever they end up being.  Within our newfound reality, we create magical moments and memories that stay with us for a long time...perhaps even forever (it's hard to say because forever is a long time away!)...

I just found myself smiling as I day dreamed about some moments in my life that happened while I was living one of my dreams (living in Berlin).  And in that moment, I realized what a beautiful thought that is to be day dreaming about a dream that has already come true.   Our imaginations dream up different realities in our wildest dreams of dreams; and then, we, in making those dreams a reality, create the dreams that we will be dreaming and smiling to for years (or perhaps, a lifetime) to come.  What a beautiful cycle!!!

I loved that realization.  It brings new meaning to the phrase "living the dream"  :)

The unknown days ahead...

Today as I’m nearing the 2,000 blog views mark (1,998 views to date!) and since I expect whatever I post next will send me over that mark, I wanted to share something special!! I know this number could be coming from just a few dedicated readers who come back frequently to see if I’ve posted something new; but even so, I’m very grateful to anyone who comes to read my thoughts…however random or monotonous they may be!  To get an idea of how many unique visitors my blog has, I have a Call to Action for you today: If you could please take a few extra seconds at the end of this post to comment and tell me which post has been your favorite or request a specific theme/topic for a future post or just say whatever really(!)…it would be awesome!!!  It’d be helpful to have an idea of who is reading and what interests you most as a reader.  Don’t forget to leave your name if you want me to know who you are...who knows, you could get a shout out in the future!!  Whether you comment or not, thank you so very much for being a part of my “Long Road Home” journey J

Back in February, I was writing a lot about love and posted several times throughout the month about it, but I didn’t want to overuse that theme in just one week or month…so I set some things aside for later use.  I wrote the following post on Valentine’s Day while sitting in my bed in Berlin and today as I sit at my parent’s dining room table in Pittsburgh, I think it’s the perfect thing to share with you:

“Love IS the reason for everything…at least for me, in my life.  As I sit here a few days after writing the “LOVE” and “(and a confession)” posts, I find myself still focused on that feeling and emotion.  I just happened upon some articles about the importance of finding one’s meaning in life…finding one’s purpose; and, as a result, finding one’s happiness, and I immediately started daydreaming up a scenario in my head.  Surprisingly (just kidding!), my thoughts ran to love and I remembered that LOVE...the love that I currently have within my amazing family and the love that I believe I will share in the years to come with a life partner...those loves are the reason I am going home.  So that one day, when I have both, I can share them and have them in the same place…or at least in the same country!  How could I possibly build a life and family so far away from the family I already have?  I fear that the distance between Berlin and the East Coast, regardless of the awesome technology we have today, would break my heart.  A person realizes their priorities and dreams (which can be conflicting!) and works them out to the best of their ability.  I followed my heart and dreams to Berlin and now I am following them back home.  It was love for myself and adventure and living abroad that brought me here, following a dream I’d had for a few years. And it is love for myself and my family that is the reason I’m leaving Berlin…because without all of them and the love they’ve given to me in my life, my life and dreams would be empty.  We only have this one life to live, so I say let’s follow our hearts as much as possible…and my heart is leading me home right now.

I am so happy about all of the wonderful moments of discovery I’ve had here in this beautiful city….discoveries of the city itself, discoveries about the world around me, about life; and, discoveries of myself and who I am and want to be.  I said all along that I didn’t know how long I was going to be here…that I would just have to wait and see.  And after six months of living here, I can honestly say that I’m heading home with my head and heart full of new, magical memories of my life’s story and with a bit of anxious, yet excited energy for the continued unknown adventures ahead.  I have no idea where the next three or six months will take me…no idea where I’ll end up or what I’ll be doing.  But I do know that I walk into the unknown days ahead with adventure in my soul, freedom in my spirit, an open mind, and a heart full of love J

And I also know that at least the first month or two back home will be spent with my family: visiting my sisters for a week each, then in Pittsburgh with my best friend, Lindsay and her family for a week, and then with my parents and aunts and uncles and cousins…and, also, with friends who I’ve known for half my lifetime.  And I know that if I’m surrounded by all of those wonderful people while I’m on this journey of discovery, well…I have nothing to fear.  Or at least, I have less to fear as I’ll be facing the unknown road ahead with loved ones by my side!

The day I bought my ticket to go home, after about six weeks of pondering what to do, I got to Skype with Shannon and her fantastically amazing Maeve.  When I explained that I’d be coming home more permanently this time, Maeve immediately started to jump up and down and scream with excitement.  And, within seconds, her laughter became tears of joy.  She was so happy that I would again be near, that she cried (which in turn made Shannon cry, and, ultimately, I got a little teary eyed too!).  That beautiful, genuine, raw reaction solidified to me that I’d made the right decision.  That no matter how long I end up being in the Virginia, Maryland and Pennsylvania area, the time that I am dedicating to the people in those places during some of this unknown chapter will most definitely be time well spent. 

During that same conversation, Shannon asked if I had received her email a few weeks back (I hadn’t).  She explained that she had been thinking about me last month and worried that I was floating around partly because I didn’t feel I had somewhere to land.  And it was important to her that I know that I’m not just a part of their extended family, I’m a part of their immediate/nuclear family; that I always have a place with them; I always belong in their home.  What a beautiful thing to hear…what a beautiful sentiment to share with me. Everything just felt as if it was all as it was meant to be.

On top of that, Meagan continues to say in many of our Skype conversations that she wishes there was a way for me to be Mary’s nanny.  That it would be so wonderful if we could make that work because how fun would it be to have so much quality time together?  And my mom always tells me when I’m home how much she loves having me there and wishes we could spend more time together (she’s already planning some fun stuff for us!).  And dad told me back in January that it’d been long enough and he was ready to have me back home again (I’d only just left!).  So all of these people and reasons (and more) are pulling me home and I’m happily on my way there.  Only time will tell where I end up in the next 3-6 months…but for now, I’m going to try to do something to enjoy each day while I’m still here in beautiful Berlin with the people who have become my Berlin family.”

I’ve been home a month now and I’ve already enjoyed so many of those wonderful moments and reunions to which I was looking forward, and seeing some of my favorite faces has been fantastic!  At this point, I honestly don’t have much more insight into where I’m heading or what I’ll be doing in the long term.  However, since I am lucky enough to have already figured out my life's meaning, my purpose, my happiness...maybe I'm actually a little more ahead than I think. Since sharing my heart and the love within it is who I am, it makes it even more important that I continue to listen to my heart.  And although it may be a bit of a struggle at times to figure some things out (where I should settle and what I should do for a job), I can't let that get me down for too long!  I'm determined to continue walking into the unknown days ahead with “adventure in my soul, freedom in my spirit, an open mind, and a heart full of love."

(If you have time to comment, Thank You!!!)

"Equality is Patriotic"

(All photo credit goes to my friend, Steve Luke)

As anyone who has read my blog before knows, I get a lot of inspiration from music and last Wednesday was no different! After I wrote about saying goodbye to Uncle Bill, I listened to the song “Turn, Turn, Turn” by The Byrds (if you read the previous blog post, that makes sense).  As I listened to the words: “to everything (turn, turn, turn), there is a season (turn, turn, turn); and a time to every purpose, under Heaven,” I couldn’t help but think of the marriage equality issues being discussed at the Supreme Court because it just seems like now must be the “season” for marriage equality in our country. Then later that night as I sat and played cards with my parents and two of their awesomely fun friends, a few other things sparked my desire to write this post: Pandora was playing in the background of our card night and songs kept coming on that spoke of love; and, I snuck a glance at Facebook and noticed some images that a friend had posted from his trip down to the Supreme Court this week. Both the music and the photographs had me feeling conflicted with my emotions.

As songs like Van Morrison’s “Someone Like You” (listen here) and The Beatles’ “All You Need is Love” (listen here) played, I couldn’t help but feel a ping of sadness in my heart for all the people I know who have found a partner in this big crazy world and a beautiful love, but who have to fight for the equal rights of that love. And I couldn’t help but wonder how anyone thinks that they have the right to take the right of love and marriage and equal rights away from someone else. Especially in AMERICA: “…land of the FREE and home of the BRAVE;” a country founded by a group of people seeking freedom. I would never claim to be a legal expert, but when the Founding Fathers of our nation declared in 1776 that:

“…we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness,”

I interpret this in my own words as:

“…we hold the following truths to be true, that ALL people are created equal, that we are all put here (no matter who your “Creator” is) with the same Rights which no one can take away from us and that among those rights are Life, Liberty (Freedom) and the pursuit of Happiness (lots of Love and Smiles in our hearts).”

Whatever your interpretation may be, it all still boils down to the fact that our forefathers dreamed of basic and equal civil rights for all people. So how can we still today, even after centuries of evolution and decades full of fighting for equality (amongst ourselves)…whether it be racial equality, gender equality, marriage equality, or any other equality…how can we still be refusing civil rights and freedoms to our fellow Americans??? If we are truly a free and brave society, we should be a people and nation brave enough to accept our differences so that we can also be a people and nation free to the same rights as our neighbor. And, in regards to the marriage equality fight, we should not only all be free to love whomever it is that we fall in love with when we are lucky enough to fall in love at all; but also, know that we will have the right to the same legally binding marriage as our neighbor, regardless of what kind of partnership and marriage it is. If America is supposed to be a nation that has the same civil rights for all of its citizens, how can we be discriminating against same-sex relationships and marriages?

The photographs that my friend posted both filled my heart with joy and broke it.  I felt such heartwarming pride and happiness seeing so many people supporting equal rights for all and carrying signs like “Equality Now!” and “Let Freedom Ring”; but, at the same time I felt such sadness and anger at the photos showing ugly hatred. There were actually people carrying signs that said: “Death penalty for fags.” I couldn’t believe it! I don’t use that word and definitely don’t like writing it here, but someone actually had the guts to write it on a big old piece of poster board and wave it high in the air. More than one person. It enraged me. What kind of mature argument uses such a word? And what kind of person actually believes that someone should be put to death because they LOVE someone??? Not since I lived in Uganda in 2008-9 had I heard someone suggest killing someone because they loved someone of the same sex. That was hard enough to hear from a young man who had grown up in a small, rural village with little knowledge of the larger world outside of that village and ignorant to many ideas and possibilities that people in the Western world take for granted in our everyday lives.

I don’t usually like to talk politics and typically don’t write about them either…but to me, this isn’t about politics. This is about humanity. This is about love. This is about “the single greatest, simplest, and most important moral axiom humanity has ever invented, one which reappears in the writings of almost every culture and religion throughout history” (quote taken from the website: Ebon Musings)…do unto others as you would have done unto you. Simply put, this is about The Golden Rule.

And, anyways, how is it anyone’s business, let alone the government’s business who we choose to love anyway? And why does the LGBT community have to “come out” and pronounce their sexuality when the rest of us don’t?  I’ve always wondered that. I remember about ten years ago when I had my first conversation with my cousin about him being gay. I grew up with him and just never realized he was anyone other than my sweet David…..who happened to love recording Disney songs with me and going shopping when I needed a buddy!  I remember crying so hard during that call because I was sad knowing that he had had to deal with the past stress of hiding who he was for however long he had known that and been hiding it; the current stress of “coming out” and dealing with the highs and lows of that process, however long it would be for him; and, the future stress of having to deal with people who would just refuse to be compassionate and understanding of someone who is different than they are. Aren’t we all meant to be uniquely different people? Wouldn’t the world be a lot more boring if we were all the same? And why does it matter who we love as long as we are LOVING???

"Family is family"

As someone who loves loving and yearns for her own partner in this crazy thing we call life, her best friend with whom she can celebrate the highs and tackle the lows…I just feel such sorrow knowing that there are so many people out there in loving, caring, respectful, fun, happy, beautiful relationships who are being told, not only by their neighbors, but by their government, that their relationship is not equal to the relationship of others; that their relationship is wrong; and/or, that the love they feel in their hearts is unnatural. And I feel even more sad and disappointed that in this “land of the free and home of the brave” such beautiful, loving relationships are either not recognized legally at all, are legally only worthy of a “civil union” while heterosexual relationships are worthy of marriage…or that their relationship is worthy of a marriage in the eyes of a specific state, but then does not have the same rights as a heterosexual marriage in the eyes of the federal government.

With thirty-eight states having “banned same-sex marriage, either through legislation or constitutional amendments” (found on CNN.com), we have a long way to go on the road to restore the equal civil rights of all Americans and to stop allowing marriage discrimination in our beautiful country.  What gives us the right as human beings to say that one love is more deserving of another, that one love has more options in regards to “making it official”??? And to bring the government back into the spotlight, since government is in charge: why do they think they can/should grant one couple’s love more rights than another couple’s love? And then, when a state actually grants all couples the right to get married (as only nine states including Washington, DC have done so far), why is the federal government going to declare that those marriages don’t have the same rights as other marriages by not recognizing those same-sex marriages in those nine states (thanks to the Defense of Marriage Act)? Gosh, nine big steps forward and one humongous step back. As Justice Ginsberg said this week: "The problem is, if we are totally for the state's decision that there is a marriage between two people, for the federal government then to come in and say no joint return, no marital deduction, no Social Security benefits, your spouse is very sick, but you can't get leave – one might well ask, 'what kind of marriage is this?'”

I wish the United States of America would follow the lead of Argentina, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Iceland, the Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, South Africa, Spain and Sweden and just make the marriage of two consenting adults legal nationwide with the same marriage rights going to all Americans regardless of our sexual orientation.

It has been uplifting to see so much support and love and unity on Facebook this week. So many people sharing the Marriage Equality symbol, even if just for a day, taking the opportunity to use their voice on a platform that is used every second of every day by more than a billion people around the world. With fifty-seven percent of Americans admitting to having a friend or family member who is gay and to supporting marriage equality (as discovered in a recent pole and discussed on CNN), we are definitely moving in the right direction. I’m sure even more people must know at least one person (whether they know it or not; whether they admit it or not) who happens to love people of the same sex.  Whether it be an acquaintance, a neighbor, a friend, a childhood schoolmate, a cousin, an uncle, an aunt, a sister, a brother, a father, a mother, a niece, a nephew, a colleague……the list goes on and on.

 

We are all people. Human beings. What makes us think it’s okay to say one person’s loving relationship isn’t the same or doesn’t have the same worth as another’s love? Because we are afraid? Because it’s something we don’t understand? Because it’s not how we live our own lives?  In a world constantly suffering from war and natural disasters and unexplainable tragedies, shouldn’t we:

be embracing any and all love that is in the air?
be promoting LOVE in all shapes and sizes, colors and combinations?
be standing tall for love…with our hearts filling with love each time we witness another couple, any couple, living in love?
be looking past our differences as people and learning to show our humanity?
be treating each other as we want to be treated?
be loving each other as we want to be loved?

Maybe we should stop worrying so much about why those two people are holding hands and wanting to shout from the roof top that they are in love; and, instead, start discussing why we all don’t try to show just a little more love, understanding and compassion to everyone we meet. The world is never going to be perfect; you are never going to be perfect; I am never going to be perfect…but we can’t even dream of reaching the stars if we keep trying to diminish the love that is in the air.

As the Dalai Lama has said, ““Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”

Same Love (listen here)

One Love (listen here)

Just Love (listen here)