Love and Loss: A Eulogy

It’s been a month since we said goodbye to our dear, sweet Aunt Peg. It still seems so hard to believe. Aunt Peggy was such a big part of our lives from day one, it’s hard to get used to the new reality of her no longer being here with us. In my experience, it’s the first days and weeks after losing someone you love that really knock you off your feet a bit. I wasn’t ready last month and I’m still not ready for Aunt Peggy to be gone…but, I guess most people aren’t ready for that unending absence.  No matter how much we know that death is a part of life, we could never really be ready. And, it’s inevitable that you wish you had done more or said “I love you” more or called just to chit-chat a little more.  If you read no further than this, please walk away calling someone you love just to tell them that you love them.  There are so many people in our lives who we love and cherish and adore, but we don’t make enough time to tell them that more actively. We don’t. I know I don’t. And regardless, it will never be enough.  We’ll always wish we had shared our love more or showed it better. 

Some of the only things that truly give me comfort when I’m so sad that Aunt Peggy is gone are the memories of all the smiles, laughs and adventures we shared followed by “thank yous” and hugs. All of the “I love yous.” It fills my heart with joy not only having so many amazingly fun and fantastic and beautiful memories with Aunt Peggy (and because of Aunt Peggy); but also knowing I did thank her and send her love throughout the years (even if never enough). She filled my heart so much during her lifetime that I have that to carry with me now……and what an amazing gift her love was J

Something else that helped me in that first week came to me a few days after her funeral as I sorted through a big basket of her keepsakes (mostly thank you cards, postcards from people’s travels and random notes).  The pile was so big and the notes were so heartfelt, it was immediately clear that Aunt Peggy had received so much love and thanks in her life for all that she was to so many people.  Seeing all of those loving, thoughtful words let me know that Aunt Peggy must have known that she was loved by so many and that so many people cherished her in their lives.  There was soooooo much love in that one basket that held treasured items as old as a 1981 Western Union telegram. It’s hard to lose loved ones, but seeing so much love and appreciation showered on Aunt Peggy throughout the decades gave me a sense of peace in my heart.  What an amazing woman she was…

This is what I shared at her funeral on April 22, 2014:

Just a few weeks ago, I was writing yet another Thank You card to Aunt Peggy.  This time, thanking her for gifting me with her PT Cruiser.  I remember starting that thank you note with “I’m not even sure how to thank someone for gifting me a CAR…”

It’s kind of how I feel right now about writing this … I’m not even sure how to thank her and honor her for all that she was in this life and express all of my love for her.  I wasn’t ready to lose her.  I’m not ready to say goodbye.  I know we are all in shock and disbelief that she is gone. Aunt Peggy was such a special person.  She was one of the constants in my life from the very beginning.  Not having any of her own children, she loved, supported, encouraged and spoiled her nieces & nephews & grand-nieces and nephew with all of her heart. She also loved and adored Uncle Bobby and dad so very much … I always loved to listen to them all teasing each other and laughing together J  She was a loving daughter and niece, a great sister-in-law to Aunt Donna and mom; a fantastic cousin to many, a dedicated member of the Trau & Loevner work family and a great friend to so many more.  She gave her love to so many people, which is why we are all so terribly heartbroken.

Aunt Peggy was a kind, gentle, sweet, loving, generous soul who gave each of us so very many special moments throughout our lives.  She spent so much time with us, time that we all cherish and time that helped us to become who we are today. Just a small glimpse into who she was as an aunt: from cruises to Bermuda with her when we were all nine, to getting creative with David throughout his youth and helping to design and sew many of his amazing Halloween/birthday costumes and then making sure that he and Jonathon could get home to Pittsburgh for visits; to helping out with random expenses for all of us like a washer and dryer for Caitlin and Dennis’s new home and a beautiful crib for Meagan and Paul’s lovely lil Mary; to so many loving gestures for Shannon, BJ, Maeve and Luke; to helping Nicki and Michael with their dog, Rooney’s, medical treatments; to helping Christa and Eric go on a trip to Disney World, to sleepover parties complete with take-out and movies; to a once-in-a-lifetime gorilla trekking trip she insisted on gifting to me when I was living in East Africa, the list just goes on and on! She was the type of person who would see there was a need and fill it. There was just no limit to what Aunt Peggy would decide she wanted to do for someone she loved. 

With hair soft like grandma’s and eyes just as blue, she was beautiful. Although life dealt her a tough hand at times, Aunt Peggy maintained a positive attitude and held her independent, strong spirit close.  She wasn’t going to let her health challenges and disability get her down for too long. She was going to live a full and happy life as much as possible.  She was a care-giver to grandma and Uncle Bill for so many years both on Charles Street and when they moved to the nursing home, too. Aunt Peggy took care of everyone even while she had so much to do to take care of herself. She filled our hearts with so much love and she made it look so easy.

Our lives will never be the same now that she’s gone.  The table will always seem to be missing something.  Our hearts will forever ping with the selfish sadness that she is gone, but we will all forever carry her in our hearts.  And knowing that she left this world in such a peaceful way brings comfort to many of us. She suffered enough over the years, she deserved to go quickly and quietly.  She’s just gone too soon.

When my friend heard of our loss, she sent this thought to me by Thomas Campbell: “To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die.”  In that case, we know she will live on for so many years to come until the very youngest of us has passed on, she will always be here.

I know that many of us had our special relationships with Aunt Peggy and special things that we did with her.   Caitlin is Honey Bunny #1 and Christa is Honey Bunny #2.  Even down to the way we said I love you.  For Meagan, I know she always loved how Aunt Peggy would say “I love you honey!”  Something about the “honey” at the end every time just stayed with Meagan and brings her a smile now today when she thinks of all those “honeys” she heard over the years.  For me, Aunt Peggy and I used to go back and forth at the end of our calls saying “I love you.” … “I love you more” … “no, I love YOU more.” And on and on.  I insisted on continuing the back and forth for so many years, but once our sweet Maeve was born, I started to tell Aunt Peggy, “you know what, I believe you now.  You must love me more.”  I finally understood.  In meeting my first niece, Maeve, and feeling that love that she brought into my life from the second she came into this world, I just knew that Aunt Peggy must’ve had a love for me that I could never beat.  In that moment when I would concede to her, Aunt Peggy would laugh her contagious laugh because she had won.  Maeve and I do this same thing now and I’m guessing it will take until she becomes an aunt herself for her to give in like I did … and I’m okay with that.  Aunt Peggy set the bar very high when it comes to love and being an aunt and I will forever reach for her shining star. 

I am so very grateful to have all of the memories and smiles that I do with our precious Aunt Peg.  And I am forever in debt to her for all of the love she showered on me throughout my life.  For teaching me what it means to love and what it means to be an aunt.  I will spend my lifetime trying to repay that debt by loving Maeve, Luke and Mary even half as much as Aunt Peggy has loved me. 

Maeve actually called me on Friday night, so devastated with our loss, saying “it’s just so hard to process this, Aunt Marce.”  I let her know that it’s moments like this when we lose someone unexpectedly that remind me the importance of telling and showing people our love every time we see them because no matter what, we will always wish we had done it more.  We must strive to spread love, hugs, smiles and thanks to all those who matter most in our lives all the time because it just can never be enough…

We love you forever and always Aunt Peggy and you will FOREVER live in the hearts of so many!!! May you rest always in peace, full of our love…

May: an overwhelmingly wonderful month in 2008, 2012 and 2013

I’ve been thinking a lot about life recently (a familiar theme, it seems!), but this time it's a bit scattered as I reflect on life now, life a year ago and life five years ago.  I wasn't able to get a lot of what I was thinking and feeling down on paper over the last year because at times I was just too distracted by the living part of life and really trying to absorb as much as possible.  So from time to time, I may wander back to times past as I look at where I have been, where I am and all that came in between!  

The cocoon of trees that gave me much needed peace

As many of you know, this time last year, I was just beginning an adventure that would change, enrich, and improve my life exponentially.  I had just hurriedly moved out of the apartment that I had come to love and in which I had hosted many special occasions, both big and small, with many different friends. I had put all of my stuff in storage for a month until I could get it up to Pittsburgh and taken a suitcase to a place I had only seen once from the outside.  And, thanks to the generosity of a really fantastic gal I know through one of my best friends, I moved into “Ruth’s House” in northern Mount Pleasant in DC…a gorgeous old mansion of a house that has so much old charm and character.  Ruth's House was to be the first home of many throughout the year that I was invited into by loving, caring and kind people who allowed me to make their home my own for a small piece of time.  I fell in love with everything about Ruth's House and all the beautiful years of life living within the walls as I spent my last four weeks in DC there.  I sat out on the old porch so many times, both alone and with friends, sharing the quiet cocoon that the trees create there in that space.  It always felt that although I was in the middle of Washington, DC, I was so far removed from it all and just hidden amongst the trees. 

I never knew Ruth, but living in her home definitely
gave me the chance to feel her spirit!

Sun rays shining down on a little pocket of heaven

The gorgeous stove I got to use :) :)

Late night porch time...always beautiful!

I cherished that little piece of peace and comfort, especially during that bittersweet month.  I went through a lot of emotions as I sat on the porch in the old rocker and lived those last weeks in the city that I had called home for another three years…six years in total. I was starting to free myself and open myself up to all of the possibilities of the months ahead and all of the upcoming adventure and unknown.  But I definitely had my moments where I didn’t know if what I was doing was “right” or if it made sense…so I talked through them with loved ones or on my own and moved right back to feeling free and happy.  I knew that no matter what happened in the end, it couldn’t be “wrong” because it was going to help me to find myself again…and, because, if something didn’t feel “right”, I didn’t have to stay there forever!  I could always head home to my family, whether that be in Pittsburgh, Norfolk or Brunswick.  So last year at this time, I had a lot to look forward to and I was very excited and had a happy, yet sometimes heavy, heart.  DC is a beautiful city and was a wonderful place to call home for so many years; and it allowed me to stay close with my sisters and parents and many relatives as I was close enough to see them regularly and be a part of their lives.  I am glad that I lived there, in all of the different stages of that life, all of the different homes and random roommates (some of whom are significant friends in my life!), friends from so many different chapters of both DC life and life in general…so many ups and downs, lots of laughs and smiles, some tears, lots of love and great memories. All of the growing pains that come with life as we live it as best we can.  DC has such a very special place in my heart, I am so grateful that it was one of my life homes!!  But, I am so happy that I took the opportunity to move on in search of something else J

This May, as I have watched the slow mountain spring start to spring….green leaves slowing growing all around, dandelions scattered around the lawn with some lovely purple flowers too, birds just chirping away, the warm sun and fresh breeze, I look back and I am grateful to the Marci that was able to leave all that she loved in DC/East Coast in search of the unknown.  Because that Marci who was a bit lost and broken at the time led me to the Marci that is typing this today: an overwhelmingly happy and whole person, full of gratitude and peace in her heart; calm, stress-free and relaxed. Last year’s Marci headed out on the open road of the U.S.  (and the open skies of Europe), to an amazing Berlin fall and winter, back home to the East Coast and then out west to a state and city that a year ago as she sat on Ruth’s Porch, was not yet a glimmer in that Marci’s eyes.  It seems that if we go freely and openly, we can end up anywhere...and I just couldn't be happier about ending up here!

From yesterday's beautiful sunrise hike

Simple beauty

In front of two of my favorite things here:
the hammock and the mountains!

As I sit and watch Boulder spring into the gorgeous summer season, I’ve also been thinking about my life five years ago when I was off on a very different adventure in East Africa. There is this amazing organization here in Boulder, BeadforLife (beadforlife.org), that works to eradicate poverty in Uganda with a bead program that they started almost ten years ago.  It’s much more than teaching women how to make beads (which are made into beautiful jewelry)…it’s an 18 month program that teaches them how to bead while they also learn entrepreneurial skills and make plans to be small business owners with the profits they save from selling their beads jewelry. In addition to the Bead Program outside of Kampala, there are several other life-changing projects that BeadforLife has initiated including a Shea Nut Program in Northern Uganda which helps people who are trying to rebuild their lives after years and decades of living as internally displaced people due to the terrible reign of terror of Joseph Kony and his Lord’s Resistance Army (2013 Update).  I was so surprised when I found a Uganda connection here and knew immediately that I wanted to be involved in their work in some way…either by volunteering or working with them. As it turns out, luck seems to be on my side because they had a new position that they were interviewing for these last weeks and I was able to get in to meet with the team before the interview process was over. So, after a year on the road, I’m very happy to announce that this past Wednesday I actually accepted a full-time job offer to be the new Support Team Manager and I started the new job with them yesterday!  It all happened a bit quickly, really, but it just seems like the universe’s way of telling me that this is where I am supposed to be for a while J  What are the chances that I would find an organization that does work so close to my heart in a town where I had never really considered making a home before!?! With all of this going on, it’s been hard not to think about my time in Uganda five years ago.  What an important time in my life that was, as well…so very different from this last year, but so very important.  Below is a link to what I was doing in Uganda in May 2008…I hadn’t thought about this specific trip in so long, but reading this post made it all come back to me a bit!  

Three weeks traveling!

Those three straight weeks of traveling around Uganda and Kenya were quite an adventure-filled time...I hope you enjoy the stories and photographs ;)

Happy Mother's Day to mothers everywhere!!

Mom and me out to dinner in DC (circa 2012)

It’s been a pretty great week in my world, so I wanted to make sure to spread some of that love and give a big shout out to all of the women and mothers and aunts and “aunts” and “ma banks'" and whatevers out there…..Happy Mother’s Day to you all!!!  I know so many beautiful, natural, selfless, caring, amazing, nurturing, loving role-models of mama bears and am so grateful to have all of you in my life!

Me and mom enjoying some wine and smiles
at Aunt Alice's (circa 2012)

To mom: Your name was so perfectly given to you...Bonita.  You've lived up to that name in so many ways throughout all the years of your life.  You've never ceased to amaze me at how beautiful (bonita) of a person you are, both inside and out.  And you have always been so much more than a mom to me…you’ve been a best friend (always wanting to know the boy stories!), a confidant (knowing some of my secrets before I even tell them to you!), a cheerleader, #1 fan, girl scout troop leader...the list goes on an on.  You’ve been an amazing person to look up to and try to emulate...you've set the bar high for being both a mother and a human being, that's for sure!  You’ve been an example of what it is to be brave, courageous, giving and unendingly loving.  You’ve laughed with me and cried with me, held me and hugged me (some of the best hugs I know!).  You’ve shared the moon with me and used it to send me love in so many different places.  You’ve taught me, guided me, disciplined me and you've let me go and all of those things have helped me to become who I am today.  You've given me some of my most favorite and cherished life memories (picnics in the desert, road trips to Buxton, Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas cookie baking, laughs over a game of cards...).  You’re one of the very best people I will ever know in this life of mine and I feel nothing short of lucky to have made out with you!  Your laugh and smile fill not only the room, but also my heart, and I’ll always be carrying you with me every step I take on this journey of mine. You’ve always believed in me and my dreams and you’ve always helped me to fly, even when my wings weren’t sure if they could…you’ve always lifted me up and reminded me that I can!  And for all of that, I am forever grateful.  You are one of my most favorite people in the whole world and one of the most important people in my world. Thank you so very much for being my rock and for being the most amazingly wonderful and gorgeous mom that anyone could be. 

To my sisters: I feel so lucky to have had these last eight years to practice being a mom with your little loves!!!  I cherish being an aunt and have loved the opportunity you’ve both given me to love your children as I hope and believe I will love my own one day.  What a beautiful gift!!  But almost as much as I have loved being an aunt, I have loved watching you both become mothers even more.  Having the chance to watch as you so naturally slipped into your roles as moms and primary care-givers…it’s just a beautiful thing to witness.  To watch someone you love immediately become such an all-loving and self-less person in the blink of an eye…it’s just such a special thing to see.  To see how you both light up because of the love in your hearts as mothers and to have been able to share so many moments with you and your families....it’s all part of one of my favorite parts of life so far: knowing you both as the mothers that you are today and the mothers that I know you will continue to be and become!  Thank you for including me in your journeys of motherhood!!!

Shannon, me, Maeve and Luke for Maeve's birthday celebration
These two lil ones gave me my first moments and years as an aunt!!
(February 2012)

Mary, my goddaughter, and Meagan sharing some love
(March 2012)

Me, Luke, Maeve and Shan paddle boating on the lake
(August 2012)

Meagan, Mary and me for our triple birthday (March 2013)

Luke, Maeve and Shannon early morning sleeping
(August 2012)

To all of my other mothers throughout my life and spread around the globe…my aunts, my grandmothers, my “aunts”, my neighborhood moms, my host mothers, friends’ moms, etc: Thank you for helping me in my life and being a part of my journey. Thank you for all of your love and support and encouragement.  Even when you aren't even sure where I could be at any given time or what crazy thing I might think of doing next.  Thank you for always giving me the greatest hugs and sharing such wonderful smiles and hearts with me and telling me, even today, to keep shooting for the stars and following my heart.  Thank you for loving me for me and for being such a great example of what a mother or aunt or human being, in general, should be.  Thank you for being you and for making me a better person for having had you in my life!

Shannon, Mom, Me, Aunt Alice and Aunt Margie (Dec 2012)

Aunt Peggy and Me
(August 1998, photo taken by a young Christa!)

Grandma Varley and Me (August 1998)

Me and Mami Maria (Ecuador, 1998)

Me and la abuelita (Ecuador, 1999)

Mami Lourdes, Mariele and Paulito, my godson
(Ecuador, 1999)

Birthday smacks (with a bottle!!)
Nicolas, me and Mami Lourdes (March 1999)

Birthday cake smash! Nicolas, Me, Lourdes and Meagan
(Ecuador, March 1999)

To my dear gal pals who have become mothers sometime in the last eight years or so and Mariele and Lisa Rose and a few others who may have become mothers when I was a bit younger: Although I don’t get to see you as much as I wish I could…and as much as I wish I could spend more time with you and your lil loves, please always know that I’m sending lots of love to you and always wishing you lots of happy moments with your sons and daughters.  I have loved getting to know the children that I’ve gotten to know….and I hope to be able to meet more soon...but even from afar, I'm so happy to know your lil ones.  And always know that every day you are rocking it out and helping to make the world a little bit better of a place because of all of the love you’re filling the hearts of your lil ones with.  So thank you to you for being such wonderful examples of love and motherhood, as well :)

Much love to the women in my life everywhere…so many of you are such important inspiration to me in my life.  You know who you are……thank you for all that you do and all that you are.  I love you!