Free Writing and Free Fallin'

As I sat on The Bridge yesterday, I absorbed all that surrounded me and took the opportunity to write a bit.  These are the thoughts that escaped my mind through my pen:

I feel like I’ve been searching for something for a long time.  And after all of these years of searching, I finally realize that what I’ve always been seeking is already within me. 

I have followed so many different paths and callings these last fourteen years; some of which have taken me to far away places…and each of them have had great meaning.  Some even more than great.  And they have all led me to this place, right here, right now.  Sitting on an amazing little bridge, in the heart of Berlin, staring out at a most beautiful sunset.  In a place that is yet another peaceful one that I’ve discovered in this city of cities. And, it happens to be the perfect place to watch the sunset as swans and boats float up and down the canal to destinations unknown... ;)

Heavenly.

As I sit here absorbing all that surrounds me, I sit in peace.  Peace with life; with where I am and with where I have been. Peace with who I am and who I am becoming. And, most especially, with peace in my heart.

Here in Berlin, just as I remember feeling when I lived in Uganda, I am like a toddler in the sense that I am curiuos about everything in the world around me: the tastes, the sounds, the language, the culture, the history.  Everything is exciting and new and such a breath of fresh air.  I get to learn about life all over again, from a new perspective…and this time, with 32 years of living under my belt…what a gift!

At this stage of life discovery I am older and (I hope) a bit wiser.  There are things from my past that have made me a bit more cautious now.  Things that I am still sorting out and trying to figure out the all important balance of learning from them but not becoming too cautious because of them.  I don’t want to let something pass me by because of this caution.  As I tried to illustrate to Amy the other day with the best example I could come up with: “we can’t blame the new boyfriend for things that a previous one did.”  Replace the word "boyfriend" with a million other things and you'll see what I mean.  We certainly need to learn from our past and try to become better, stronger people from it…but we really can’t let our past dictate our future.  We need to live each moment, each experience, each opportunity as if there is nothing to lose! As if it’s the first to come along!  By flying into life with such gumption and gusto, we fuel the fire of success.  So I guess what I'm trying to say is never forget the past…it is who you are and how you’ve become you…but never let it rule your now.

So, I sit here and take it all in.  All the noises: a baby having a little tantrum, German conversations passing by all around me, an American biking by with a friend and telling some seemingly interesting story, the sound of the cars as they slowly rumble over the stones of this unique bridge. I take in the breeze and the sky and the bottle caps decoratively scattered all around this stone bridge, embedded into the mortar after thousands of feet and tires have pushed them down making them a part of it.  I sit here and I feel lucky and grateful to be here in this very moment; observing, absorbing, experiencing and living my life as freely as a bird…....…or perhaps I should say butterfly ;)

Earlier this year an older song really struck a chord with me and as I continue to sing it at random times, I understand more and more why.  After hearing this song for as long as I can remember, it now holds more meaning than I ever could have expected or known before….

“And I’m freeeee; I’m free fallin’. Yeah I’m freeee, yeah...I’m free fallin’." 

And I am so happy for every second of the fall!


**Click the links above to be redirected to my Uganda blog and/or for a special performance by Rage Against the Hungry Machine, my work band, back in April at my last RATHM show (you can skip to 50 seconds in for the start of the song).**

Airports and Bridges and Swans

While I work on researching job opportunities in Berlin (focusing on companies looking for a native English speaker), I know I need to ensure that I am fully taking advantage of each day I’m here as there is no way of knowing how long it will be.  So, I have been taking off on frequent little adventures: mostly jogging and walking the city which allows me to discover new parks, churches, bridges, restaurants, fun neighborhoods, hidden treasures and more!

Boats and trees and canals

This past Sunday, I decided I should walk around my new neighborhood and just get a feel for it (I’m now staying at Rainer and Luana’s apartment in the city til September 12).  This little neighborhood walk turned into seven miles worth of me wandering along the canal for quite a stretch and then back through the city.  Towards the end of this epic urban hike, as if I am magnetically attracted to it (I think I may be!), I happened upon Tempelhofer Feld.  This old airport is one of my very favorite things in this city full of amazing things.  I just think it’s really wonderful that the public voted to make this huge chunk of green land a space for all to enjoy!  How many closed down airports do you know of where you can freely roam the fields, the taxiway and the runways? 

Clouds and runways and airport terminals

 Where you can come across an old plane that has been there for many decades; or a shooting range where the U.S. military used to train?  Not only that, but at Tempelhof, you can always find people flying kites (not wimpy little kites, but the big kind!), rollerblading, biking through, jogging around, laying in the grass just relaxing, grilling; you can happen upon a pick-up soccer game or a baseball game (they have a few teams in Berlin!). How many old airport fields do you know about where you can go quench your thirst at a beer garden or casually stroll through one of the actual gardens where people have planted sunflowers and other wonderful plants?  Or where you can happen upon an art installment mini-golf course that tempts you at every passing?  It’s just a wonderful, big, beautiful open space and I absolutely love it!

Sun rays and airports and circuses

Bridges and boats and canals

I went on another urban hike today (just shy of seven miles) just in time for sunset and dusk on the canal.  I used part of the same route from Sunday, but rather than turning off the canal when I came to what I now call “The Bridge”…I continued along the canal another hour or so.  This bridge is special because it’s made of stone and has an area for people to sit right in the middle with a lane of traffic going by on either side.  Anytime you come here, you will find people sitting, either in the middle section between the lanes, or on the sides closer to the water below.  Although apparently, there is a bit of controversy about this space as I’ve been told that some people believe that too many people come here to loiter and smoke and drink.  But I don’t see that controversy.  I just see people enjoying a friend’s company in this beautiful setting or taking in a peaceful moment for themselves as they pass over the bridge on their bike.  They stop for a moment to stare off into the horizon and just breathe the fresh air.  Visitors of The Bridge all come and take it all in in their own way and that is the very beauty of it.

Swans and graffiti and vines

Weeping and willows and relaxation

“I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.”

Oh man…what a month.  What a week.  What a life!  I am so overwhelmed right now with so many feelings.  Feelings of humble gratitude.  Feelings of simple happiness.  Feelings of anxious hopes.   Just so many feelings.

I’ve been in a bit of “radio silence” this last week and a half and I have nothing to say for myself except, I just didn’t know what to write.  I was having a bit of a rough spell, feeling a bit lost.  Feeling a bit homesick perhaps; a little down…but not too down.  Just pensive and quiet and for the better part of the last week or so, worrying about the potential reality that I might have to leave this beautiful city come November 6.  That fateful three month mark…the deadline to sort out a visa so that I can stay here for an extended period of time and really take off on this journey and continue writing this life chapter.  

I know, I know…what about all of that “live in the NOW” crap I was spewing in my recent posts??  Believe me, I thought of that…but it just seemed hard to live in the now without worrying about the fact that my current status in Berlin could be taken away from me if I don’t sort something out.  I know I still have two months, but it’s hard to fully relax and fall into living my life here when I know in the back of my head and heart that that could all go away in the matter of months.  So I’ve been doing a lot of research on my options…whether it be school/German classes (there are enrollment deadlines) or a job (never an easy task to get one of those!)…I am the one that needs to make SOMETHING happen so that I can get permission to stay in Berlin past November 6. 

Thankfully, I was reminded by several different moments and people in the last few days why I am here and I am really keeping these points close to my heart so that I don’t lose sight of my ultimate goal.  My mom, one of my best friends in this world and one of the very best people I will ever know, wrote me a much needed email that included these words: “Remember that you went because it is a good place for you and you have a purpose and you are amazing and oh so very special to so many people.  I wish with all my heart I had been as brave and courageous as you when I was young and gone wherever I wanted.  You are my hero keep moving forward, your happiness is always there.”  What an amazing gift to not only have such an amazing, loving, supportive mother, but to have one who never ceases to have that sixth sense that mothers have: she always seems to know what I need to hear.  It’s kinda beautiful (and I feel so lucky every time she works that mom magic with me!).

I also had a much needed chat with Rob (my life guru!) who encouraged me to stop holding back in any aspect of my life in which I could possibly be holding back: “Happiness is being totally free.  You know this and I know this.  Can you hold back and be totally free?”  He gets me every time.  I don’t even think that I really hold back that much in life…but his point was that I should try to NEVER hold back.  Now that is a concept!  There is a way to be gracious in my words and actions so that I can stay true to myself, but also do my best to respect the feelings of others.  Too often, I find myself caring so much about the happiness and comfort of those around me, that I don’t take enough care of myself…I don’t respect myself enough sometimes because I hold feelings back.  And by holding feelings back and internalizing them, I lose a little piece of me and a little piece of my happiness.  Rob is definitely another amazing gift. To have someone like him to talk to here,  someone who really knows me and knows so much about life…I really feel so lucky every time Rob works his guru magic with me ;)

And, finally, we come to last night:  I just had the most simple and wonderful evening of company and conversation with a few friends and it just hit the spot!  It reminded me of why I am here in Berlin: it’s a relaxing, laid back city full of people from different backgrounds who come together in this gorgeous cultural melting pot to enjoy life.  There were only four of us, but it was still such an interesting mix of random people: John (Spanish, grew up in Berlin, friends with Emory and Rainer), Salif (German-Ugandan, grew up in Berlin, friends with Emory and Rainer), Amy (English, free spirit, world traveler, came to Berlin last month seeking a new adventure, friends with Emory from when they were volunteering in Thailand together), and me (American, free spirit, world traveler, came to Berlin last month seeking a new adventure, friends with Rainer from when we lived together in DC).  Although Rainer and Emory weren’t there because they are both off in other countries enjoying life, they were certainly with us in spirit as they are the reasons that we all know each other and we’ve all become friends!  (It did help a bit that we were sitting around Emory’s table in his amazing apartment, Amy’s current home).  It was just so refreshing to sit at the candlelit table with Amy, Salif and Palomo (John’s last name and nickname) for hours upon hours, sipping wine, listening to music, laughing, chatting and just living those moments together.  It was perfect.  It was such a great representation of why I am here.  I am here to live my life to the fullest!  I am here to meet people and learn about life and grow and evolve as a person.  I am here to make some dreams come true.  I am here to LIVE. 

One last reminder that came into my life just today…it’s actually a very poetic twist on my own mantra of “Live in the NOW.”  And it’s number six on a list of “50 Life Secrets and Tips”: “Learn to focus only on the present. The past is unchangeable, so it is futile to reflect on it unless you are making sure you do not repeat past mistakes. The future is but a result of your actions today. So learn from the past to do better in the present so that you can succeed in the future.”

These next weeks, I will be doing whatever I have to do to secure an extended visa in Germany so that I can stay here (wish me luck!!), but I will also make sure that I am living each day to the fullest.  If it’s meant to be, it will be…and that is what I have to trust and believe in right now.

WE must take the reigns.

“We are the music makers. And we are the dreamers of dreams.” ~ Arthur O'Shaughnessy