“I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.”

Oh man…what a month.  What a week.  What a life!  I am so overwhelmed right now with so many feelings.  Feelings of humble gratitude.  Feelings of simple happiness.  Feelings of anxious hopes.   Just so many feelings.

I’ve been in a bit of “radio silence” this last week and a half and I have nothing to say for myself except, I just didn’t know what to write.  I was having a bit of a rough spell, feeling a bit lost.  Feeling a bit homesick perhaps; a little down…but not too down.  Just pensive and quiet and for the better part of the last week or so, worrying about the potential reality that I might have to leave this beautiful city come November 6.  That fateful three month mark…the deadline to sort out a visa so that I can stay here for an extended period of time and really take off on this journey and continue writing this life chapter.  

I know, I know…what about all of that “live in the NOW” crap I was spewing in my recent posts??  Believe me, I thought of that…but it just seemed hard to live in the now without worrying about the fact that my current status in Berlin could be taken away from me if I don’t sort something out.  I know I still have two months, but it’s hard to fully relax and fall into living my life here when I know in the back of my head and heart that that could all go away in the matter of months.  So I’ve been doing a lot of research on my options…whether it be school/German classes (there are enrollment deadlines) or a job (never an easy task to get one of those!)…I am the one that needs to make SOMETHING happen so that I can get permission to stay in Berlin past November 6. 

Thankfully, I was reminded by several different moments and people in the last few days why I am here and I am really keeping these points close to my heart so that I don’t lose sight of my ultimate goal.  My mom, one of my best friends in this world and one of the very best people I will ever know, wrote me a much needed email that included these words: “Remember that you went because it is a good place for you and you have a purpose and you are amazing and oh so very special to so many people.  I wish with all my heart I had been as brave and courageous as you when I was young and gone wherever I wanted.  You are my hero keep moving forward, your happiness is always there.”  What an amazing gift to not only have such an amazing, loving, supportive mother, but to have one who never ceases to have that sixth sense that mothers have: she always seems to know what I need to hear.  It’s kinda beautiful (and I feel so lucky every time she works that mom magic with me!).

I also had a much needed chat with Rob (my life guru!) who encouraged me to stop holding back in any aspect of my life in which I could possibly be holding back: “Happiness is being totally free.  You know this and I know this.  Can you hold back and be totally free?”  He gets me every time.  I don’t even think that I really hold back that much in life…but his point was that I should try to NEVER hold back.  Now that is a concept!  There is a way to be gracious in my words and actions so that I can stay true to myself, but also do my best to respect the feelings of others.  Too often, I find myself caring so much about the happiness and comfort of those around me, that I don’t take enough care of myself…I don’t respect myself enough sometimes because I hold feelings back.  And by holding feelings back and internalizing them, I lose a little piece of me and a little piece of my happiness.  Rob is definitely another amazing gift. To have someone like him to talk to here,  someone who really knows me and knows so much about life…I really feel so lucky every time Rob works his guru magic with me ;)

And, finally, we come to last night:  I just had the most simple and wonderful evening of company and conversation with a few friends and it just hit the spot!  It reminded me of why I am here in Berlin: it’s a relaxing, laid back city full of people from different backgrounds who come together in this gorgeous cultural melting pot to enjoy life.  There were only four of us, but it was still such an interesting mix of random people: John (Spanish, grew up in Berlin, friends with Emory and Rainer), Salif (German-Ugandan, grew up in Berlin, friends with Emory and Rainer), Amy (English, free spirit, world traveler, came to Berlin last month seeking a new adventure, friends with Emory from when they were volunteering in Thailand together), and me (American, free spirit, world traveler, came to Berlin last month seeking a new adventure, friends with Rainer from when we lived together in DC).  Although Rainer and Emory weren’t there because they are both off in other countries enjoying life, they were certainly with us in spirit as they are the reasons that we all know each other and we’ve all become friends!  (It did help a bit that we were sitting around Emory’s table in his amazing apartment, Amy’s current home).  It was just so refreshing to sit at the candlelit table with Amy, Salif and Palomo (John’s last name and nickname) for hours upon hours, sipping wine, listening to music, laughing, chatting and just living those moments together.  It was perfect.  It was such a great representation of why I am here.  I am here to live my life to the fullest!  I am here to meet people and learn about life and grow and evolve as a person.  I am here to make some dreams come true.  I am here to LIVE. 

One last reminder that came into my life just today…it’s actually a very poetic twist on my own mantra of “Live in the NOW.”  And it’s number six on a list of “50 Life Secrets and Tips”: “Learn to focus only on the present. The past is unchangeable, so it is futile to reflect on it unless you are making sure you do not repeat past mistakes. The future is but a result of your actions today. So learn from the past to do better in the present so that you can succeed in the future.”

These next weeks, I will be doing whatever I have to do to secure an extended visa in Germany so that I can stay here (wish me luck!!), but I will also make sure that I am living each day to the fullest.  If it’s meant to be, it will be…and that is what I have to trust and believe in right now.

WE must take the reigns.

“We are the music makers. And we are the dreamers of dreams.” ~ Arthur O'Shaughnessy