Berlin: a "la la dreamland"

Wow…Berlin.  Such an amazing and gorgeous city!  Having just arrived ten days ago, I am still so pleasantly surprised at the level of peace, joy and happiness in my soul right now.  To have found a city that allows a person to just be so care-free; to be whoever they are or want to be; to be creative; and to feel at home so easily…it’s just such a wonderful discovery. 

I spent my first five days in what I’ve been calling a “la la dreamland” of jet-lag, culture shock (good culture shock!), friends, wandering and fun.  The last five days have been similar, but I seem to have come out of that initial haze of a dreamland and slowly, each day, I allow myself to realize that that “dreamland” is rather a wonderful land of reality.  Sometimes, it really seems like a true piece of heaven!  Not even knowing if I believe in the religious heaven I heard about so much growing up Catholic, this heaven of mine is simply a peaceful, serene, quiet land of freedom and happiness here on earth.  In my eyes…much better to find a heaven now than in the possible after life!

A butterfly in the clouds...just like me ;)

I think because my spirit was so stomped out and so stressed this last year and a half, that now it’s all I can do to appreciate every little beautiful thing that is a possibility in this life...I started really soaking the beauty of life up back in June.  And now Berlin has already proven itself to be a city full of possibility for someone in my position seeking the unknown and tranquil freedom.  It is a city full of people from different places who have come here for many reasons…but so many have come here for the culture and laid back environment.   The easy, peaceful feeling of this city is magnificent for exercising your creative outlets…which currently for me is my writing and photography.  As Rob told me on my first night here…”dude, this is a great city to write a book!” (something I have thought, dreamed and pondered about for the last twelve years and to which I am dedicating energy during these months...[yay!!]).

Jogging photo safari: a family rests amongst the trees

Each day I spend in this new city is an adventure in itself.  Whether I am out biking with a friend or walking around the amazing and gorgeous Tempelhofer Park (a retired airport that the city voted to make into a public space a few years ago…simply amazing!); or getting lost on a jog…first I accidentally went into a beautiful cemetery thinking it was a path to the canal; the next jog I accidentally jogged 7 ½ miles(!) along the canal that I had finally found (I typically make myself run for 30 minutes and then call it quits); or playing Texas Hold’em with a table full of Germans; or going to relax by the lake where some people choose to lay topless or naked (I had my bikini on!); or sitting with my friend Rob, someone I’ve known for ten years now, and having amazing life conversations; or just relaxing outside on the balcony of my current home (I have three places to stay the next six weeks, each for two weeks at a time), surrounded by trees and the sound of birds and the beautiful weather…it is all such a wonderful adventure!

Taking off from the runway with Emory at the old airport

And, I must say, that I am so lucky to have a family of friends here with whom to share this experience.  I mentioned in my last post that during the difficult goodbyes back home, I find comfort knowing that I carry those loved ones with me wherever I go and I know they are cheering me on from afar and waiting with open arms upon my return.  The other consoling factor during my goodbye earlier this month was knowing that I have so many wonderful people here in Berlin, waiting with open arms on this side of the big pond!  A few friends from my first year living in Germany (Marburg) back in 2003-4 and a handful of friends I made at the 2010 Sardinian wedding of one of my DC housemates who grew up in Berlin.  People that I only spent 3-6 days with a few years ago, but who encouraged me then to move to this city and have been ready and waiting for me to arrive ever since!  It’s a wonderful thing about life, meeting people in so many different moments and experiencing some of life with them, perhaps briefly at first; but then, life being life…you find yourself having the chance to meet them again down the road and really live life together for a while….it’s just such a special gift from the universe!

In my glory...a biking photo safari at Tempelhofer Park!

I really do feel so alive in moments like this; surrounded by good people and the adventure of a new city and a new chapter…a new start! When I have so much to discover around me with the language and the culture and the history of a new place; just exploring the streets and the neighborhoods and the tastes of the food and the music, etc…it is exhilarating and it allows you to discover so much about yourself too!  It makes me feel as though I am actively living my life rather than life living me.  Such a great feeling that I truly cherish.

"Awake My Soul"

1:00 pm (3 hours after arrival in Berlin...at Rob's place dealing with jet-lag relaxing)

Mumford and Sons

“...In these bodies we will live, in these bodies, we will die.  Where you invest your love, you invest your life...”  I have invested so much of my love in the experiences I’ve had, the places I’ve visited and the people with whom I have shared it all…I made a conscious decision a long time ago to invest my love in the adventure of life; and, therefore, in the people surrounding me through it all.  I come back to this every single time, but I am BLESSED by the universe to have the family that I have.  The family that my parents gave to me: grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, nieces, nephew, neighbors.  And the family that life has given me: host families, friends, roommates, neighbors, soulmates.  Which is why, when I go on my adventures and seek to find something that I don’t even know, I get very sentimental and emotional with the knowledge that I must leave so many loved ones behind as I continue to try to live my life and seek to follow a path of self-discovery.  One of the few consoling factors in these difficult times of goodbyes, is the knowledge in my heart, that I carry so many of these loved ones with me…I carry them with me in so many different moments of my life: moments of self-discovery, moments of pure joy, moments of uncertainty, moments of sadness, moments of exploration. 

I have no idea what this new chapter holds for me…no idea.  I could be here in Berlin for three months until my tourist visa expires and in that time I could get to know Berlin and build up the relationships with the friends I have here and have a lot of fun travelling and visiting other friends around Europe and then head back home to a different kind of unknown.  Or I could decide I want to stay longer.  Rather than three months, maybe I’ll stay six months or a year or even more...why put an end date on it???  Why try to figure out now what only time can tell?  Whatever will be, will be…3 months, 6 months, a year...this experience and chapter is going to be as long as it wants and needs to be.  (Reminder: live in the NOW…it’s doing me wonders!) 

All I do know is that at the very least I need to use this continued and indefinite “Marci time” to do the things that I know make me happy.  I need to write and work on my photography; I need to sing (even if just to myself while I’m wandering around the city; although, I’m definitely still hoping to find someone in the park playing a guitar just hoping that someone who loves to sing will pop by and ask to sing a few songs!).  Which leads me to, I need to spend time outside enjoying all that surrounds me…the parks and rivers and canals and lakes and trees and gorgeous skies all help with that for sure!  I need to reflect on my life and what it has been and what I’d love for it to become…and I need to work towards making some dreams reality.  So many of these things are intertwined.  It’s kind of beautiful.  Basically, I just need to LIVE.  I need to live and breathe the air and experience the joy of being in a different country and hearing/using/learning foreign languages and seeing so many new and wonderful things…on the way to the grocery store, on the train, on a wandering jog in which I venture to get lost….I just need to live and take in the beauty that surrounds me everywhere.  This Berlin chapter has so many wonderful possibilities, it’s a gift that I’ve given myself and now it’s up to me to make it everything it can be.

Later at 4:30 pm

Ahhh, I just had the most amazing nap (always feels so good since I’m so bad at them!)…and then, after not even thirty minutes hanging out with Rob, it seems that we have accidentally, as if on cue, found a room full of hopes and possibilities and epiphanies.  We talked about me really not having any clue what these next months bring…no clue because I didn’t want to.  I knew I could think about it and really stress trying to figure out ahead of time what it was going to be…..but, I couldn’t do that to myself.  So, when people asked me “what are you going to be doing in Germany?” … I honestly answered, “I don’t know…I’m gonna wing it.”  I had learned earlier in the summer that I wanted and needed to allow myself to live in the present...and I was trying to practice that! And Rob actually said the exact same thing(s) when we were on the bus ride from the airport to his house…he said, “you can’t change the past…and the future is an unknown thing; it may not even happen.  So what really is a future? …we really must concentrate on the NOW.“  That’s what I’d thought about out on the deck at Meagan’s house back in June and in so many moments since…having that be one of the first things that my dear friend, Rob, said to me….it just seemed like a sign (there have been so many of those recently!).  Anyways, so I could’ve been stressed the last months trying to figure out ahead of time what my time in Berlin would be…but I am so grateful that I didn’t!  It makes this journey so much more natural and organic and gives this experience the opportunity to really evolve on its own, without expectations.  I know there are moments in life in which we really can get stressed, sometimes easily so…and it’s in those moments that we must remember to find some peace for ourselves by appreciating whatever it is that the universe has given us now; today.  Sometimes life is definitely overwhelming...but we really just have to take the time to sit back, relax and enjoy.

During our conversation, Rob noted how there are so many positive energy forces around me right now, all built up and ready to help me accomplish whatever it is that I want to accomplish.   I have love coming at me from so many different people and places…love and energy that is simply put: priceless.  And all of this just reminds me of a few of the wise words of one of my very favorite authors, Paulo Coehlo, in The Alchemist.  In this, one of my very favorite books, he writes, "…when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it…”

What is happening now, in this, my first day of life in Berlin, the feeling in my heart and soul and spirit……..this is my happiness.  This brilliant feeling of freeness is just so natural and so relaxed; and discovered in a place full of culture and beauty and creativity and people seeking something similar.  All I need to do now is live the life I have lived in my thoughts and dreams and hopes...and after just a few hours of being here, I already believe I am in the right place to make my dreams come true.

Awesome song and video: Awake My Soul  (I know this song can be sad....but the lyrics I quoted at the very top, they get me every time!  They are so true.  “...In these bodies we will live, in these bodies, we will die.  Where you invest your love, you invest your life...”)

To my Maeve...

Maeve, my sweet Maeve.  You are one of the loves of my life.  Every time I think of you, a smile fills my heart.  You are one of my angels (like GG!).  And one of my soulmates too. Sometimes I think about the day you were born, and some of the first moments we spent together that first week of your life; I was immediately in love and have been ever since. You changed my life in such a positive way when you came into it!  Watching you grow into the amazingly independent, smart, funny, loving, caring, adventurous, beautiful girl you are has been one of the joys of my life.  I cherish every single moment I get to have with you! 

As I am flying over the ocean to begin a new chapter and adventure in Germany, I think of how much I love you and already miss you, and I silently sit here and cry tears for you.  I LOVE you.  I love you more than you will ever be able to love me; and I know you won’t even understand how that could be true until you become an aunt yourself (believe me, I know...just ask Aunt Peggy!).  Just always know that I adore you and I appreciate you and I thank the universe (and your parents) all the time for bringing you into my life.

I know the goodbye is hard and it can be sad.  Saying goodbye to you is always one of my hardest goodbyes.  I hate thinking that I will miss so many moments with you, my sweet Maeve.  But me going away and embarking on this new adventure, is something that I do to try to be the best me I can be; not only for me; but, also, for the people in my life that mean so much to me!  Going away and trying to discover life and all of its possibilities, it allows me to work to be the best Aunt Marce I could possibly be.  And for you, Luke and Mary, that is something I will always strive for…I will always try to be the best me I can be so that I can share that with all of you J

I carry you with me, sweet Maeve…I really do; on so many unknown journeys and adventures and in so many simple and quiet moments that you'll never even know about; you are always with me!  So, anytime that we can’t be together in person, just know that you are always with me and I am always so grateful for you and sending you so much love and many smiles too J

Now you...you just keep being the gorgeous person that you are!

xoxoxo,

Your Marce

Never enough time with the ones we love

August 4...

There is never enough time.  This thought has come into my head a lot over the least few days.  Never enough time to see the smiles and hear the laughs of my nieces and nephew.  Never enough time to play cards/games with my mom and dad. Never enough time to bond with my sisters.  Never enough time to just BE with my family.  Even ater a summer of family, including the last twelve straight days, I just couldn’t make myself leave the beach yesterday morning because I felt like I just needed a little more time with them.  All I could tell myself since Thursday afternoon, when the sad heartache of extended goodbyes started to hit me, was that “there is just never enough time.”

Time is such a precious thing; and something that is always running away from us.  As I mentioned when I started this blog in June, I am really trying to live in the NOW.  Especially during this amazing summer of freedom, family and travel…I have really tried to enjoy each day and really soak up all of the different moments; and, I think I’ve done a great job of appreciating it all. But all of this time with family has made it that much harder to say goodbye.  I have gotten used to being able to move around freely and see them more often.  I have become accustomed to the smiling faces and the hugs.  I feel so lucky to have such an amazing group of people to call my family…I love and appreciate each member of our family so very much.  There’s never enough time to spend with the ones we love…but, as long as we appreciate the time we do have and we cherish it in some way; we always have those people with us….and that is a comforting thought!

Who knew we'd take a family photo without sweet, sleeping Mary?!?

Fast forward five days to August 9...
Shannon, Maeve and Luke drove me to BWI for my flight to Berlin.  After getting checked in, which included having to swap things around my two checked suitcases and my larger carry on in order to make them all weigh what the airline wanted them to weigh...the time had come for final goodbyes.  Saying goodbye to Shannon and the kids was so hard...especially when sweet Maeve began to cry (my crying definitely didn't help!).  I just hugged them as much as I could and as hard as I could and with soooo much love in my heart and soul for them and said "I love you so much......see you soon" between my tears.  The security line was so long that I had time to make most of my phone calls to say farewell and a few more "I love yous" to my parents, Meagan, Aunt Peggy and a few friends.  There was just so much unknown surrounded by my journey to Berlin...I had no idea what was ahead of me and was definitely sad to be going so far away from my family.  But, I knew I had made the decision to go for a reason and I knew that I always have so many people cheering me on (and happily waiting with open arms whenever I decide to go home)...so I said those tearful, heart-wrenching goodbyes and I boarded the plane to my next adventure.