A Weekend Getaway in Madrid!

Mario and me (Ecuador, 1998)

Hello friends!

I just spent a long weekend in Madrid visiting one of my best friends from my year in Ecuador (1998-99), Mario, who now lives there with his Spanish wife, Bea.  They were lovely hosts and fantastic tour guides who had me walking up and down and all around the streets of Madrid!  We ate and drank our way around the city taking in the sites and catching up on life. They have this fantastic set-up in Madrid where most bars have a deal that you buy a beer or tinto verano (red wine with something like a lime flavored soda water) for one or two Euros and you get to choose from a selection of tapas to go with it.  It's incredible!  I guess people were getting too drunk at bars, so there was a law put into place to make giving a bit of food a mandatory part of a typical beer order.  Love it!

Now you see the tapas and tinto verano....

...now you don't!

It was so nice to spend time with someone that I knew so long ago, even though I hadn't seen Mario since my last visit to Ecuador around 2007.  Our friendship is an example of one of those lifetime friendships/family members that I've spoken of before; that no matter how long you go without talking or seeing each other, you are always welcome to visit the other and good times will be had by all.  He's one of those people that you just cherish and hold dear because of how comfortable you feel when you meet up no matter how many years fall in between the visits.  So in between stories and laughs (and over cervecitas), we showed Bea photos from my year in Ecuador that I happened to have on my phone in which we always seem to be celebrating something; and they showed me pictures of their time in Iceland, where they met and fell in love.

And to top it all off, while we were touring the city on Saturday I walked right underneath a pidgeon as it shat the biggest of shits.  Fortunately (yes, fortunately!), I only got sprayed by some rogue splashes in my hair, on my face and a bit on my shirt too....but honestly, had you seen what landed on the sidewalk, you would realize how lucky that was!!!  I screamed a bit when I realized what had happened and again a few minutes later when Mario noticed there was some more by my lip...but I also laughed enough that I cried a bit.  And, as Bea assured me, it's good luck to be shat upon ;)

A few minutes before the pidgeon incident...

...and a few minutes after!

It took me at least two days to stop thinking in German, although every once and a while a word would slip into my Spanish sentences.  Sometimes, I'd have to ask them if the word I'd said was in Spanish or German because I was too mixed up in the languages to tell!  Really, it was kind of a fun problem to have ;)  By the middle of the weekend, I was thinking in Spanish...but knowing that I'd need to work even harder to switch back to German upon my return since German is a bit more difficult than Spanish.  Doh!  It was a welcome challenge and I'm sure my brain appreciated the challenge too.  Actually, before my flight took off from Madrid last night to come home to Berlin, the flight attendant came to tell the woman seated beside me with her one year old that there was a possibility that they could move to the back of the plane in order to have two seats instead of the one.  The flight attendant only spoke German and English, so the Spanish woman next to me chose to speak with her in German.  I was right there and heard everything, so I just said in German that it seemed easier if I just moved to the free seat in the row behind us so that the mother and daughter wouldn't have to move and the flight attendant wouldn't have to bother someone else.  Everyone was grateful for this small gesture on my part, and so I moved.  Then the woman I was meant to sit next to moved to the window seat so that I was stuck in the middle.  Honestly, since it was a night time flight and I wouldn't be able to see much but dark skies anyways, I really didn't mind.  However, the flight attendant was worried that I would be unhappy with the middle seat, so she asked if all was okay which got the Spanish woman now seated next to me worried.  I quickly assured everyone, in both German and Spanish, that all was okay and there was nothing to worry about; that I was fine where I ended up and it was no big deal at all.

In those quick and simple moments, I felt really happy that in such a rare occurrence when both of my extra languages were needed, I was so easily able to use them and communicate with all of the parties involved.  The thing is, I never took up learning languages for professional purposes...which is perfect since I've never had a job that necessitated them (although I would kind of love that!).  I learned Spanish and German simply because I loved the cultural aspect of getting to know about different countries and traditions.  And to me, what better way to do that than to learn languages??  I really love immersing myself into the culture within which I am living (whether it be for a few days, weeks, or months).....and, even if I'm not able to live somewhere else, I love the idea of expanding my language skills if for nothing else, than just for those unique moments in which they could randomly come in handy.  And, perhaps part of me loves being able to express myself in the additional languages simply for communication sake. I love to write so much and I'm typically emotionally expressive in my writing; so having two extra languages in which to have my thoughts, feel my emotions and write them out...well, it somehow multiplies it all a bit for me!  

Soooooo anyways, all in all it was a great weekend in sunny (and much warmer!) Madrid, full of things both old (my friendship with Mario) and new (my friendship with Bea and exploring Madrid)!

Old friends (Ecuador, 1998)

Mario, me and Bea underneath the Ecuadorian bakery's sign
(next door to their apartment building!)

New friends!

Everything is on its way to somewhere...

“Things didn’t turn out the way they were supposed to, but what can you do?  You must take life the way it comes at you and make the best of it.” Yann Martel (Life of Pi)

This is a very important thought to remember throughout life’s journey.  Throughout the last six months have working hard not to have any expectations, but rather, just to live my life and enjoy each day and moment as much as possible, I have come to really appreciate the unknown.  It doesn’t feel as big somehow when you’re just living and letting each day take you where it may.  Some days may be more productive than others.  Some may be darker than others.  Some may be so very beautiful in their simplicity (one of my favorite things in life!).  Some may hold surprises around the corner.  It is all unknown until it just happens.  And it is how we handle the reality of each day’s unknown path that makes us who we are.

Just as Robert Frost wrote in his 1916 poem, “The Road Not Taken”:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Both paths looked similar to the traveller, both were still untouched that day but he was at a crossroads and had to make a decision.  You can look at that decision in sorrow knowing that “how way leads on to way” you may never come back to that same spot and have the opportunity to travel down the other path.  Or you can simply see it as life being life and you just living it.  Each decision we make in life leads us to somewhere.  Everything is on its way to somewhere.  And most of the time there are choices involved in the where and the how and the why.  You can embrace your choices or you can mourn them.  But how can you enjoy the path you’ve chosen if you’re always wondering about the path you didn’t choose to take?  We must embrace each step and each path during each day and know that all of it is taking us to where we are meant to be.  So no matter where we are in our lives, whether we are in the woods or on the open highway; whether the path be the less travelled one or the one with many other footsteps in it…each road we take, if we let it, can “[make] all the difference.”

Pondering Rainbows and Pots of Gold

I'm still trying to catch up and get these older thoughts posted!  Hang in there...I just have a few more left to go :)

December 29

After 22 hours of traveling and 5 hours running around Berlin and Potsdam with a friend, I arrived at my destination for the next couple of days (said friend’s couch!). It’s amazing how life can take us on these journeys into the unknown and how each experience can go in so many different directions. As I’ve mentioned previously, I have spent a lot of time in the last six months really living my life and trying not to have expectations for any part of this unknown adventure.  Instead, because we all know how having expectations can ultimately cause disappointment, I have just been living and enjoying each moment as it comes.  And living this way has opened me up to a whole new appreciation of the idea that everything happens for a reason.  Life is happening all around us every minute of every day and everything that we do, every decision that we make, every success or failure, heartbreak or moment of pure joy….all of it is part of our unique path.  And all of it ultimately leads us to where we are meant to be.  Once we accept our role in our own story and give ourselves up to the natural, organic road of life; we become more available to see all that surrounds us and all that we are; all that we’ve become through it all.  And we are free J

Berlin has been a great part of my life story and such an important part of it because making the decision to come to Berlin opened me up to the opportunity to find myself and my happiness again. Leaving the job that crushed my spirit and taking control of my life this past spring by allowing myself to go out on the open and unknown road (literally!) and be this travelling, nomadic, wandering, floating butterfly has been one of the very best things I have ever done for myself.  By taking control back and acknowledging that I was living a life that just wasn’t right for me… no matter how full of friends and family, or how much money was in my paycheck, or how “grown-up” of an apartment I might have had…I gave myself the opportunity to find out what is right for me.  Or, even if I don't figure that out any time soon, I still gave myself the chance to recharge and fill my spirit back up.  I freed myself.

Since leaving DC in June, I have slept in at least 18 different locations (cities, towns, National Parks) that I can think of off the top of my head.  The list includes, but is not limited to:  DC (multiple times on different friends’ couches), Brunswick (Shannon and BJ’s farm multiple times), Norfolk (Meagan and Paul’s house multiple times), Asheville, Nashville, Little Rock, Kansas, Denver, Utah, Lake Powell, Grand Canyon, Oakland, North Carolina, Orlando, Pittsburgh (mom and dad’s house multiple times and a sleepover with Lindsay and the boys!), Berlin (no less than seven different apartments so far!), Lago d’Orta, Italy and Cinque Terre, Italy.  I have seen and soaked up all of these places in various ways and each little adventure within this big adventure has truly played a role in me finding Marci again.  Each town that I’ve passed through or couch that I’ve slept on has been a part of the road to self-discovery and freedom.

Now, more than ever before, I hold no expectations for the coming months.  The road ahead is unknown and it will always be.  But that’s part of the adventure!  I have seen the beauty of the open road (both literally and figuratively) and I will continue to cherish it.  I feel confident in who I am, who I’ve become during this time of self-focus and reflection and who I will continue to become throughout life’s journey.  And having that confidence gives me yet another sense of freedom, as I truly believe that I am on the right path.  And in feeling that in my heart, I believe that whether the winds of life take me somewhere new or if they bring me what I need to stay here in Berlin long term, or if they simply take me home…it will all be how it’s meant to be ;)

Life is not at all easy.  It throws us curve balls around every corner….and when we least expect it.  It challenges us.  In all of its beauty and wonder, life is definitely not something in which we are meant to be inactive participants.  We are meant to fight for ourselves and who we are in our core.  We are meant to rise up to the challenges that come our way and, in my eyes, we are meant to do our best to find a positive take away from even the hardest of moments.  The challenges we face are storms in the horizon of our lives.  An important thing to remember about storms, though, is that when we look hard enough during or right at the end, we can often find a rainbow to follow.  Since making the decision to leave my job (re: a storm), I have been thinking of Berlin as the gold in the pot at the end of said rainbow.  Before I started my journey across the rainbow, I definitely had doubts…was this the right rainbow for me??  Would I find my pot of gold at the end?  What if I got lost along the way??  Most of my concerns pertained to being so far away from my family and very dear loved ones; but, I had to trust not only in myself and this dream I had carried for a few years (living in Berlin), but also that following the rainbow would, indeed, take me to my pot of gold...wherever or whatever that may be.  As I look back on the last six months of 2012, I see so many flashes of beautiful memories and easy smiles; so much adventure; so much love of life and happiness in my heart; so much freedom.  If that’s not what a journey across a rainbow should be like, I don’t know what would be!!  (Well, I suppose if I could really dream up the perfect rainbow, it would have all of those things plus unicorns and Care Bears!!)  But now as I write this down and think a bit deeper…I have to wonder, what if I’m still on the rainbow???  What if Berlin is not the gold in the pot at the end of the rainbow, but instead a beautiful, colorful, amazing part of the rainbow that is still leading me to my pot of gold?

And, as I dive into this new thought a bit more I realize that, just like there is no way to flip thru the pages of life to find out how the story ends, there is no real way to know if I’m still on the rainbow or if I’ve reached my pot of gold.  So perhaps it’s as simple as me deciding which I’d rather have: a longer journey across the rainbow or a quicker journey to the gold.  And the more I really think about it, why would I want to leave the rainbow, anyways??  As long as I’m through the storm and enjoying the beauty of the journey to that pot of gold as much as I am, and feeling as rich and full of life as I do…then I’m just going to keep on walking!!  After all, what if when we get to the end of our rainbows we realize that there is no pot of gold? Or, perhaps, we find the pot empty?  Would that make the journey across the rainbow any less beautiful?  Would we appreciate all that we saw and experienced any less than we did before when we expected that pot of gold at the end?  Would all of the smiles we smiled and happiness we felt during that special journey just disappear with the dream of the gold?  Would we all of a sudden not feel rich and full of life if we arrived and the pot was gone or already emptied?  Or, what if……just what if, the rainbow we’re travelling across IS the pot of gold???

Post Christmas/Pre Return to Berlin Free Writing

December 26, 2012

(Free writing for me = just typing my thoughts as they come into my head and editing them out to make a lil more sense post session.  I try to break the thoughts up with "-------" in between!)

I swear I just had one of those moments where your life really does just flash before your eyes.  Different things can trigger this…anything can trigger this, I guess…but often, the trigger is music.  I am listening to my “The Band & Van Morrison” Pandora Station and a Jimi Hendrix song just came on which made me immediately think of my friend, Joe, who I talked to about music on Friday night.  We had finally met up after years of not seeing each other and we were hanging out at a very random lil podunk country bar in West Deer (out in the sticks!). As we played music on the old jukebox, I said that I really needed to listen to more Hendrix, The Rolling Stones, The Doors and Led Zeppelin as I don’t really know those bands well, but I think of them as some of the classics.  He seemed appalled at this confession and agreed that I should get on that task as quickly as possible!

So, anyways, as the song continues to play, I’m just kind of taking a ride with my thoughts down memory lane.  Music is such a powerful thing…I keep having these flashes of thoughts and moments; moments in my life that have passed that I almost get to relive for a moment, but this time from the outside looking in…

And as I think about Joe on Friday night and how fun it was to see someone from such a long time ago (we met when I was 16 or 17) that I’ve always just loved and adored, I can’t help but think about how seeing Wes that night as well was also so nice because I’ve known him for at least twenty years.  He’s part of one of my other families in life…someone that I always think about like a big, (and sometimes, pesty!) brother.  I say pesty because of Camp Deer Creek, and if you’re lucky enough you’ll get to hear some of those stories down the road somewhere…oh Camp Deer Creek, how I love thee!  But anyways, these two friends from years and chapters past are a trigger of the feelings of home and comfort and youth.  And feeling such a connection to your past and who you were half a lifetime ago is such a powerful thing.  Friday night Wes eased into the role of big brother so naturally by talking to me for the last five minutes of my drive and helping me get to the bar (I’d already gone to the opposite end of Saxonburg and had driven probably fifteen minutes out of the way by the time he got involved).  And to top it off, he waited outside for me to ensure that I would find it.  He was standing out in the cold air without a coat...just a t-shirt and jeans and just gave me the warmest hug saying he’d wished he’d been able to help me from the start. We have known each other for so long and grown up together, so not only is he like a big brother to me…but he’s a trigger for that small town sense of family that some people are lucky to have in life.  Friday night, seeing these friends from half a lifetime ago just made it being home feel even more like home…and if that’s not representative of family, I don’t know what is…

…so flashing back on that two-hour visit with such old friends makes my heart happy at how loving and easy and comfortable it was.  That is home.  And it warms my heart to look back on my life and remember so many similar, beautiful, familiar moments…so complex in their simplicity.  It’s just beautiful.  You know what I mean?  Sheesh….and all of this from seeing a Jimi Hendrix song (previously unknown to me) pop up on my Pandora!  It makes me think even more how moments are somehow connected and how often the universe gives us the opportunity to see, remember, reflect, etc.  Sometimes we see it and sometimes we don't.  Tonight, I saw it.  There are just so many moments in life that connect us to something greater than us.

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I’ve always tried so hard to be there for others and to love unconditionally and whole-heartedly.  Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes, I fear (and know) that I have failed.  But I stand by the genuine effort...and I have stood by that effort and care in pretty difficult situations.  Because living life this way can bring much love, but much pain to a person.  But I am unwilling to change my approach on life.  I refuse to let the sadness and the possibility of sadness dampen the love and the effort to love. However,  loving others aside, sometimes we have to pull the focus to ourselves and these last six months for me have especially been about self-discovery.  I was stopped in my tracks for a while (that year and a half that I previously mentioned), but I truly believe in my soul that all that I’ve lived and grown and loved and lost in these last six months…well, really in these last two years…all of it has brought me to this ridiculously amazing point in my life in which I.AM.FREE.  What a way to end such a difficult and challenging, yet beautiful and amazing 2012.  What a way to ring in the New Year and all that is to be in 2013.

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That last part “…and all that is to be in 2013” makes me think of one of the best conversations I’ve had in a long time in which one of my dearest friends recently tried to help me understand the concept of manifesting life’s story.  I was visiting him last week and we were talking about life and I was wondering what he thought about life: “is the book already written, or are we writing the book as we go??”  That’s when he started talking to me about manifesting the story that we want to live…or something like that.  To be honest, this is something I am still learning about, so I still get a bit confused by it! But, I think he would be so proud of me for saying “all that is to be” rather than “all that I hope will be."  If I captured his point correctly, he was saying that we have to believe that our hopes and dreams will be reality and manifest them into happening by believing them to be true......we can't just talk about hoping and dreaming them to come true.  But, I'll check in with him on this interpretation and get back to this thought again, I'm sure!

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So anyways, somehow, there have been so many things going on the last weeks and I’ve really tried to soak up each moment, just as I did in Berlin this fall and this summer travelling around and now that I look back on the last four weeks I see sooooooooo much family.  I cannot help but smile and feel so grateful for the family that I was given and that I’ve built in this life because I am who I am because of them.  And, the thing is, even with all this thinking and reflecting going on and feeling up and feeling down…I can honestly say that I like the person I have grown to be in this great big universe. I am proud of who I have been, who I am and who I strive to be.  Even when I’ve made mistakes or missteps; it’s all part of the journey.  We all have our faults...but it's important to try to observe ourselves from the outside in and grow during life's journey. Somehow, I think, as we become older we become more aware of our faults, we do a better job of adjusting accordingly.  I think I've heard people say that about the 30s before...that you're finally less interested in what other people think about you and more sure of who you are.  I actively and genuinely try to be the best person I can be; but I accept that I will not always succeed in being the positive influence on the world around me that I’d like to be.  I will not always be a colorful butterfly of love and smiles.  I will sometimes be quiet and introspective; sad and down.  But through it all, I will continue to think about life, to ponder it all, and will try my darndest to always consider my contribution to the universe and the world around me.

Sometimes I will be up and sometimes I will be down…and I’ll do my best to appreciate and maximize during the ups and learn and appreciate during the downs.   But today, right now, I am full of life and of love for life.  I am full of adventure and curiosity and I am basking in the sea of just letting life be how it’s going to be.  When I left for Berlin in August, I was feeling similarly, and I had no idea what road lie ahead.  Now I’ve lived it and I've seen it and I’ve breathed it.  I know Berlin.  I made it one of my chapters.  Only time will tell how long that stays true, but, regardless of what is to be…I really loved what was and I look forward to whatever is to come because I know it all really will be whatever it’s meant to be.

And in my heart of hearts, I believe my deepest wishes and biggest dreams will become reality as long as I just continue being me and following my heart.   (The key is to stay patient, so please remind me of this steadfast declaration should I ever seem to stray from this train of thought!)

As one of my favorite authors says in one of my favorite books:  "Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure."  ~Paulo Coehlo, The Alchemist