Pondering Rainbows and Pots of Gold

I'm still trying to catch up and get these older thoughts posted!  Hang in there...I just have a few more left to go :)

December 29

After 22 hours of traveling and 5 hours running around Berlin and Potsdam with a friend, I arrived at my destination for the next couple of days (said friend’s couch!). It’s amazing how life can take us on these journeys into the unknown and how each experience can go in so many different directions. As I’ve mentioned previously, I have spent a lot of time in the last six months really living my life and trying not to have expectations for any part of this unknown adventure.  Instead, because we all know how having expectations can ultimately cause disappointment, I have just been living and enjoying each moment as it comes.  And living this way has opened me up to a whole new appreciation of the idea that everything happens for a reason.  Life is happening all around us every minute of every day and everything that we do, every decision that we make, every success or failure, heartbreak or moment of pure joy….all of it is part of our unique path.  And all of it ultimately leads us to where we are meant to be.  Once we accept our role in our own story and give ourselves up to the natural, organic road of life; we become more available to see all that surrounds us and all that we are; all that we’ve become through it all.  And we are free J

Berlin has been a great part of my life story and such an important part of it because making the decision to come to Berlin opened me up to the opportunity to find myself and my happiness again. Leaving the job that crushed my spirit and taking control of my life this past spring by allowing myself to go out on the open and unknown road (literally!) and be this travelling, nomadic, wandering, floating butterfly has been one of the very best things I have ever done for myself.  By taking control back and acknowledging that I was living a life that just wasn’t right for me… no matter how full of friends and family, or how much money was in my paycheck, or how “grown-up” of an apartment I might have had…I gave myself the opportunity to find out what is right for me.  Or, even if I don't figure that out any time soon, I still gave myself the chance to recharge and fill my spirit back up.  I freed myself.

Since leaving DC in June, I have slept in at least 18 different locations (cities, towns, National Parks) that I can think of off the top of my head.  The list includes, but is not limited to:  DC (multiple times on different friends’ couches), Brunswick (Shannon and BJ’s farm multiple times), Norfolk (Meagan and Paul’s house multiple times), Asheville, Nashville, Little Rock, Kansas, Denver, Utah, Lake Powell, Grand Canyon, Oakland, North Carolina, Orlando, Pittsburgh (mom and dad’s house multiple times and a sleepover with Lindsay and the boys!), Berlin (no less than seven different apartments so far!), Lago d’Orta, Italy and Cinque Terre, Italy.  I have seen and soaked up all of these places in various ways and each little adventure within this big adventure has truly played a role in me finding Marci again.  Each town that I’ve passed through or couch that I’ve slept on has been a part of the road to self-discovery and freedom.

Now, more than ever before, I hold no expectations for the coming months.  The road ahead is unknown and it will always be.  But that’s part of the adventure!  I have seen the beauty of the open road (both literally and figuratively) and I will continue to cherish it.  I feel confident in who I am, who I’ve become during this time of self-focus and reflection and who I will continue to become throughout life’s journey.  And having that confidence gives me yet another sense of freedom, as I truly believe that I am on the right path.  And in feeling that in my heart, I believe that whether the winds of life take me somewhere new or if they bring me what I need to stay here in Berlin long term, or if they simply take me home…it will all be how it’s meant to be ;)

Life is not at all easy.  It throws us curve balls around every corner….and when we least expect it.  It challenges us.  In all of its beauty and wonder, life is definitely not something in which we are meant to be inactive participants.  We are meant to fight for ourselves and who we are in our core.  We are meant to rise up to the challenges that come our way and, in my eyes, we are meant to do our best to find a positive take away from even the hardest of moments.  The challenges we face are storms in the horizon of our lives.  An important thing to remember about storms, though, is that when we look hard enough during or right at the end, we can often find a rainbow to follow.  Since making the decision to leave my job (re: a storm), I have been thinking of Berlin as the gold in the pot at the end of said rainbow.  Before I started my journey across the rainbow, I definitely had doubts…was this the right rainbow for me??  Would I find my pot of gold at the end?  What if I got lost along the way??  Most of my concerns pertained to being so far away from my family and very dear loved ones; but, I had to trust not only in myself and this dream I had carried for a few years (living in Berlin), but also that following the rainbow would, indeed, take me to my pot of gold...wherever or whatever that may be.  As I look back on the last six months of 2012, I see so many flashes of beautiful memories and easy smiles; so much adventure; so much love of life and happiness in my heart; so much freedom.  If that’s not what a journey across a rainbow should be like, I don’t know what would be!!  (Well, I suppose if I could really dream up the perfect rainbow, it would have all of those things plus unicorns and Care Bears!!)  But now as I write this down and think a bit deeper…I have to wonder, what if I’m still on the rainbow???  What if Berlin is not the gold in the pot at the end of the rainbow, but instead a beautiful, colorful, amazing part of the rainbow that is still leading me to my pot of gold?

And, as I dive into this new thought a bit more I realize that, just like there is no way to flip thru the pages of life to find out how the story ends, there is no real way to know if I’m still on the rainbow or if I’ve reached my pot of gold.  So perhaps it’s as simple as me deciding which I’d rather have: a longer journey across the rainbow or a quicker journey to the gold.  And the more I really think about it, why would I want to leave the rainbow, anyways??  As long as I’m through the storm and enjoying the beauty of the journey to that pot of gold as much as I am, and feeling as rich and full of life as I do…then I’m just going to keep on walking!!  After all, what if when we get to the end of our rainbows we realize that there is no pot of gold? Or, perhaps, we find the pot empty?  Would that make the journey across the rainbow any less beautiful?  Would we appreciate all that we saw and experienced any less than we did before when we expected that pot of gold at the end?  Would all of the smiles we smiled and happiness we felt during that special journey just disappear with the dream of the gold?  Would we all of a sudden not feel rich and full of life if we arrived and the pot was gone or already emptied?  Or, what if……just what if, the rainbow we’re travelling across IS the pot of gold???