Post Christmas/Pre Return to Berlin Free Writing

December 26, 2012

(Free writing for me = just typing my thoughts as they come into my head and editing them out to make a lil more sense post session.  I try to break the thoughts up with "-------" in between!)

I swear I just had one of those moments where your life really does just flash before your eyes.  Different things can trigger this…anything can trigger this, I guess…but often, the trigger is music.  I am listening to my “The Band & Van Morrison” Pandora Station and a Jimi Hendrix song just came on which made me immediately think of my friend, Joe, who I talked to about music on Friday night.  We had finally met up after years of not seeing each other and we were hanging out at a very random lil podunk country bar in West Deer (out in the sticks!). As we played music on the old jukebox, I said that I really needed to listen to more Hendrix, The Rolling Stones, The Doors and Led Zeppelin as I don’t really know those bands well, but I think of them as some of the classics.  He seemed appalled at this confession and agreed that I should get on that task as quickly as possible!

So, anyways, as the song continues to play, I’m just kind of taking a ride with my thoughts down memory lane.  Music is such a powerful thing…I keep having these flashes of thoughts and moments; moments in my life that have passed that I almost get to relive for a moment, but this time from the outside looking in…

And as I think about Joe on Friday night and how fun it was to see someone from such a long time ago (we met when I was 16 or 17) that I’ve always just loved and adored, I can’t help but think about how seeing Wes that night as well was also so nice because I’ve known him for at least twenty years.  He’s part of one of my other families in life…someone that I always think about like a big, (and sometimes, pesty!) brother.  I say pesty because of Camp Deer Creek, and if you’re lucky enough you’ll get to hear some of those stories down the road somewhere…oh Camp Deer Creek, how I love thee!  But anyways, these two friends from years and chapters past are a trigger of the feelings of home and comfort and youth.  And feeling such a connection to your past and who you were half a lifetime ago is such a powerful thing.  Friday night Wes eased into the role of big brother so naturally by talking to me for the last five minutes of my drive and helping me get to the bar (I’d already gone to the opposite end of Saxonburg and had driven probably fifteen minutes out of the way by the time he got involved).  And to top it off, he waited outside for me to ensure that I would find it.  He was standing out in the cold air without a coat...just a t-shirt and jeans and just gave me the warmest hug saying he’d wished he’d been able to help me from the start. We have known each other for so long and grown up together, so not only is he like a big brother to me…but he’s a trigger for that small town sense of family that some people are lucky to have in life.  Friday night, seeing these friends from half a lifetime ago just made it being home feel even more like home…and if that’s not representative of family, I don’t know what is…

…so flashing back on that two-hour visit with such old friends makes my heart happy at how loving and easy and comfortable it was.  That is home.  And it warms my heart to look back on my life and remember so many similar, beautiful, familiar moments…so complex in their simplicity.  It’s just beautiful.  You know what I mean?  Sheesh….and all of this from seeing a Jimi Hendrix song (previously unknown to me) pop up on my Pandora!  It makes me think even more how moments are somehow connected and how often the universe gives us the opportunity to see, remember, reflect, etc.  Sometimes we see it and sometimes we don't.  Tonight, I saw it.  There are just so many moments in life that connect us to something greater than us.

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I’ve always tried so hard to be there for others and to love unconditionally and whole-heartedly.  Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes, I fear (and know) that I have failed.  But I stand by the genuine effort...and I have stood by that effort and care in pretty difficult situations.  Because living life this way can bring much love, but much pain to a person.  But I am unwilling to change my approach on life.  I refuse to let the sadness and the possibility of sadness dampen the love and the effort to love. However,  loving others aside, sometimes we have to pull the focus to ourselves and these last six months for me have especially been about self-discovery.  I was stopped in my tracks for a while (that year and a half that I previously mentioned), but I truly believe in my soul that all that I’ve lived and grown and loved and lost in these last six months…well, really in these last two years…all of it has brought me to this ridiculously amazing point in my life in which I.AM.FREE.  What a way to end such a difficult and challenging, yet beautiful and amazing 2012.  What a way to ring in the New Year and all that is to be in 2013.

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That last part “…and all that is to be in 2013” makes me think of one of the best conversations I’ve had in a long time in which one of my dearest friends recently tried to help me understand the concept of manifesting life’s story.  I was visiting him last week and we were talking about life and I was wondering what he thought about life: “is the book already written, or are we writing the book as we go??”  That’s when he started talking to me about manifesting the story that we want to live…or something like that.  To be honest, this is something I am still learning about, so I still get a bit confused by it! But, I think he would be so proud of me for saying “all that is to be” rather than “all that I hope will be."  If I captured his point correctly, he was saying that we have to believe that our hopes and dreams will be reality and manifest them into happening by believing them to be true......we can't just talk about hoping and dreaming them to come true.  But, I'll check in with him on this interpretation and get back to this thought again, I'm sure!

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So anyways, somehow, there have been so many things going on the last weeks and I’ve really tried to soak up each moment, just as I did in Berlin this fall and this summer travelling around and now that I look back on the last four weeks I see sooooooooo much family.  I cannot help but smile and feel so grateful for the family that I was given and that I’ve built in this life because I am who I am because of them.  And, the thing is, even with all this thinking and reflecting going on and feeling up and feeling down…I can honestly say that I like the person I have grown to be in this great big universe. I am proud of who I have been, who I am and who I strive to be.  Even when I’ve made mistakes or missteps; it’s all part of the journey.  We all have our faults...but it's important to try to observe ourselves from the outside in and grow during life's journey. Somehow, I think, as we become older we become more aware of our faults, we do a better job of adjusting accordingly.  I think I've heard people say that about the 30s before...that you're finally less interested in what other people think about you and more sure of who you are.  I actively and genuinely try to be the best person I can be; but I accept that I will not always succeed in being the positive influence on the world around me that I’d like to be.  I will not always be a colorful butterfly of love and smiles.  I will sometimes be quiet and introspective; sad and down.  But through it all, I will continue to think about life, to ponder it all, and will try my darndest to always consider my contribution to the universe and the world around me.

Sometimes I will be up and sometimes I will be down…and I’ll do my best to appreciate and maximize during the ups and learn and appreciate during the downs.   But today, right now, I am full of life and of love for life.  I am full of adventure and curiosity and I am basking in the sea of just letting life be how it’s going to be.  When I left for Berlin in August, I was feeling similarly, and I had no idea what road lie ahead.  Now I’ve lived it and I've seen it and I’ve breathed it.  I know Berlin.  I made it one of my chapters.  Only time will tell how long that stays true, but, regardless of what is to be…I really loved what was and I look forward to whatever is to come because I know it all really will be whatever it’s meant to be.

And in my heart of hearts, I believe my deepest wishes and biggest dreams will become reality as long as I just continue being me and following my heart.   (The key is to stay patient, so please remind me of this steadfast declaration should I ever seem to stray from this train of thought!)

As one of my favorite authors says in one of my favorite books:  "Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure."  ~Paulo Coehlo, The Alchemist