A Message of Thanks

November 23, 2012

“It’s always darkest before the dawn…and it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake it off. “  ~ Florence and the Machines

I just randomly put this song on and it couldn’t be more perfect for me as I sit here to try and write down some of the thoughts and feelings that are running through my mind right now.  Thanksgiving always brings this sentimental love and feeling to my spirit and heart…I think that’s why I love it so much.  The name itself makes you think more about giving thanks and what that means. Which is why, throughout the month, just in anticipation of my favorite holiday, I inevitably think even more about all of the things there are to be grateful for each day.  I already try to live that way anyways…and especially after having some hard times, I know that there is always an opportunity to really see the beauty in the world around us.  Whether that beauty be found in the random person that flashed you a smile as you passed on the street and subsequently put a smile on your face today; or the baby’s laugh you heard; or in the love from a niece or nephew, son or daughter; or an act of kindness from a friend or stranger. Or maybe the sun coming through the clouds or the golden moon in the starry night sky or the breeze in the leaves….there are so very many things every single day that if we don’t take the time to stop and look and really see them, they just pass us by. 

It’s too easy to focus on the things that are missing in our lives or the things that we feel we want or even need in order to find happiness.  Too often we lose sight of the things that bring so much joy to our lives, or we simply get so used to them, that we forget to be grateful.  So I love that the Thanksgiving season helps people to think more about all they have to be thankful for, whatever that may mean to each person.  For me, the feeling of Thanksgiving gets into my core and I just feel so grateful for the family I have who see my through thick and thin; the people that love me so much that there are there during the darkness and the dawn and all that comes in between. The family who sees me for all that I am and accepts and loves me just as I am.  They are the same people who help me fight for me when I may lose sight of myself and who remind me who I have always been.  And for that family, I couldn’t be more grateful.

So back to the song….“It’s always darkest before the dawn…and it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake it off. “  Stages of darkness can come often in life; but it’s okay…we don’t have to fear them. The darkness is most likely the most important stage of them all because its in those dark moments that we really find ourselves.  I recently had a very difficult year and a half (January 2011 – June 2012)…partly for other reasons, but largely due to the fact that my job just stole my spirit.  I went into the job with excitement, believing in the product and ideals of the place I was working and the people for whom I worked. I thought the world of the company…I had been a VIP customer, and really believed in the business model.   I believed that they really wanted to help the people with whom they worked and that they really did care about their employees (and our professional growth and well being).  I thought for the first time ever that I had found a career(!) and I actually imagined I could be with the company for 5, 10, even 15 years (that’s about as far into the future as I could look!)!  But thinking even just five years down the road and seeing myself still with the company and thriving, that was much longer than I’d ever even dreamed of imagining possible before with jobs past.  I dove in head first and put much hard work, love and spirit into my time there; but after the first nine months, I was already feeling quite broken.  No matter what I did, it wasn’t working, it wasn’t right, it wasn’t enough.  And in the end, it just didn’t matter…none of the effort, none of the hard work, none of the sacrifice.  It really seemed to mean nothing to them.  And, unfortunately, everything I had genuinely believed the company was and could strive to be was just not how things were in reality.  This is a great example of finding disappointment as a result of setting expectations.  I accidentally set my sights high thinking that this was a very fitting and perfect match to my personality and professional background; perhaps, had I not had such hopes, I wouldn’t have felt so disappointed.  So, all of that job related sorrow, disappointment and stress, along with losing some friends who were like family to me (or so I had thought)…it all just stomped out my spirit for that year and a half and I had to “shake it off.” 

But let me say, that during that difficult time in which it was often hard to see the light; and, even though I had a few friends walk away from our friendship, I was still surrounded by some amazing people!  I had my family and friends from before that time that didn’t walk away, and I also found some friends during that time….most importantly, the people that surrounded me at work and truly lifted me up in my lowest moments.  People that loved me for me even though I was not feeling my best.  People that walked with me through the hard moments and let me lean on them when I needed (literally and figuratively!).  I received light and love from so many different directions and I couldn’t be more grateful for the people that sent it my way.  That, to me, makes the pain and sorrow somehow worth it in the end.  To find light in the dark is a beautiful thing, it gives us hope that the dawn is coming!  It makes it somehow not as bad as it could otherwise be….even if it seemed so hard and sad at the time….as the song says, “it’s always darkest before the dawn…”  So we can always be hoping for that dawn to come ;)

During that time frame, especially during the last nine months, I had to do some tough soul searching and I eventually found the strength to overcome and to “shake it off” and to leave the home I had built in DC and my beloved family spread along the East Coast (especially Maeve, Luke and Mary) so that I could try to find myself again.  And that was pretty heart wrenching and difficult. Feeling so badly the pull to come to Berlin, a place that I had thought of for two and a half years and see what I could find here; and to leave all the sadness behind, which meant leaving my happiness (re: my amazing family) behind as well.  That was such a conflict and painful in and of itself.  I remember one day in May after I had purchased my one way ticket to Berlin, I was sitting in my favorite spot on the gorgeous old front porch of the 1800s mansion I lived in for my last month in DC and I called Shannon and just balled and cried, not knowing if I was making the right decision.  Maybe I should find a house in the country and just settle down and make my home…something that I also crave.  Or even live with them on the farm and just settle down a little.  Part of me just really craves having and making and creating my home….something that I kept getting closer to doing each time I got a new place in DC; but, somehow those places still felt temporary.  I also felt this pull to stay close to the three little people that I love so much and that make me want to be a better me (Maeve, Luke and Mary).  But then when I thought on the other side of things, I thought: maybe I should stick to my plan, no matter how hard it may be and go….just see what I find in case I can become a better me for them. 

All of those thoughts and self-doubts and feelings of heartbreak over leaving all that I knew and moving so far away from my loved ones were still running through my head a few months later as I said goodbye to them at the airport.  After an amazing adventure of a summer spent mostly with family around the East Coast (and with sweet Margo on an epic and legendary cross-country road trip), I was off.  Hugging my sweet Maeve and Luke and precious Shannon and talking to beautiful Meagan on the phone and saying my last goodbyes to my loved ones, I still didn’t know what I was doing or what was ahead or where my life would go.  I had no idea.  I got on that plane wondering if I would be returning home in three months for good or if I would find something for which I would want to stay and hang out a while.  I didn’t know if I’d spend a lot of time alone or if I would have a place to live after my first month…I just had no idea what was going to happen.  I hadn’t really let myself think about it over the summer because I was focusing on the now and living in each moment of the current day with the people I was surrounded by at any given time.  So I didn’t even think about what could be or would be…I just figured I would let it be however it wanted to be.  And that, all of that…making the decision to come to Berlin and come into the unknown and just be and just live and just soak up life…that was the best gift I’ve ever given to myself.  After so many people had shared light with me, I managed to give myself “the dawn.” 

This chapter in Berlin has been a saving grace.  There are two handfuls of wonderful people who have helped me make this city my home, no matter how temporary or permanent that may be.  Not only by opening their homes to me, but by opening their lives and their hearts to me, I have added to my life’s family tree.   So at this time of Thanksgiving, I couldn’t be more grateful for all of the people at home and here in Berlin who have helped make this chapter possible…I am forever grateful for your light and love.  But I also couldn’t be more grateful for the people who have been a part of my life in general.  There are many people spread around the globe who are involved in my life and making it as full and bright as it is and who have filled it with so much love.  I could try to list everyone, but I would no doubt forget someone important.  My family alone has at least forty people that I can just start to think of off the top of my head that give me so much love in my heart.  And then my life family that truly spreads across my life from every different chapter: the people I grew up with, my best girlfriends from high school; my Ecuador family, my college friends, my Germany (Marburg) family, DC family, Uganda friends, my Berlin family, etc…even if we don’t talk or see each other nearly as much as we’d like to, the people I’ve met along the way have helped weave my life’s journey.  We may lose touch, but such is life, it doesn’t mean that we don’t carry those people on our journey with us.  We all keep living it and working at it and loving it and that takes us all in different directions. 

Sooooo, in a long drawn out Thanksgiving message, let me just end by saying: Thank you so much to the people in my life who make this life of mine feel so full, whether the day be full of sunshine or a little cloudy, your presence in it is precious to me.  You are a constellation of stars scattered around the globe. And when I connect those dots, I see me and my life and all of my adventures and memories (good and bad, dark and light) and I smile smiles of gratitude and love because of each of you.  Thank you for being my light and love and for seeing me through the darkness to the dawn.  I am forever grateful.  I know you know who you are…I just hope that each of you always knows that I hold you so closely in my heart forever.